Widow's Voice

Resolutions and other Bullshit

| Posted by:

Many people make resolutions in January.  

I didn’t. 

I simply picked a word. 

I picked a word to guide me into the new decade.

LOVE

This is my word. 

 

I’m not talking about romantic love. 

I’m talking about: Big Love, Agape Love, Self-Love. 

And, mostly I am talking about Love of Life.

MY life. 

The life  I have in front of me.  

The life I have been given.

The one that is vastly different than the one I imagined…

 

I am striving to love the moment I’m in. 

I want to fall in love with the present (again).

I do not want to wish it away foolishly seeking more or less.

 

I will choose (again and again) to love the beautiful life I have. 

Even though it’s not the life I imagined, I will accept it and learn to love it as completely as I loved Mike when he was alive. 

I intend to live like it is the golden hour because how can I be sure it’s not.

 

 

 

Lofty? 

Maybe.

But,  I’m willing to give this alternate life a shot. 

 

I am a fool for love. 

He made me this. 

Mike made me Love’s biggest Fan Girl.

 

I will learn to love my life as I loved him: wholly, madly, fiercely, completely, and unconditionally.

I will practice loving my life this way.

I will love my life the way he loved me when he was alive.

 

Love. 

Love is my word today, for this coming year. 

For this new decade. 

For always.

 

In closing, I think that resolutions are bullshit; and this is why I don’t make them.  I do, however, set goals.   And, I work to achieve good and to be good. 

Even without him, I can strive for these things.  And, without him, I can still strive for love.  

 

I can work to build a solid life around my grief.  And, I can find a way to love life again, and so can you. 

I can be loving in all that I do.  I can be try to be the love he was to me.  And, maybe one day I can even fall into love again. 

Anything is possible. 

Mike showed me this.

 

Mike modelled how to love life with wild abandon and that is exactly what his girl is going to do.  I am going to live the best way I can.  

I am going to put a smile on my face.  I am going to laugh and love and live again. 

It has been over three years and; finally,  I am coming back to life. 

I know he’s glad for this.  He’s more than glad.  He’s wanted this for me all along.  I’ve wanted this too.

 

~Staci

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.