Dear Mike, It has been over 2.9 years since you died. Since you died, I have diligently and carefully worked to keep you alive in my mind. I have replayed our conversations thousands and thousands of times. And, I have memorized our words by heart. In my mind, I still talk to you every single day. I know exactly what you’d say in our…
Coming back to Life
Grief evolves. Thankfully. And, my grief is no exception. Over the last 2.9 years it has changed. And, no, the changes are not always linear. Grief moves you forward and backwards and sideways. It takes you places you never expected to be. And, there is no real end point. There is not a finish line to any of this. We can not shed…
The Thief of Joy
Recently, I drove the familiar road to Mike’s house. I have completed this drive hundreds of times since he died; but, this time it hurt my heart – a lot. Maybe it is because on August 20th we should be celebrating our second wedding anniversary together. But, we won’t be doing this. Mike died. There is no wedding anniversary for us. …
1000
The heart knows… I had a feeling it was getting close. So, I looked up how long Mike has been dead. And, there it was, 1,000 days exactly. I KNEW it. And, I didn’t know it because I am some sort of math whiz. Nope. I felt it in my heart. And, the computer confirmed what my heart already knew. Monday August 12th, 2019 I will have…
A Change of Heart
After nearly three years, my grief is different than before. It is what happens. As human beings we are made strong. From the beginning of this mess, my Soul has been striving to continually adapt to this alternate life. And, I have. I have managed to live without him – even when I was certain I could not. As people, we are hard wired…
Death and Coffee
This Sunday, I woke up early because I drove my son to work for 7am. I found myself at a local coffee shop which isn’t any big deal, except that it is. I drove by the coffeeshop that Mike and I went to when he was alive. I drove by it on purpose. I made a choice not to go there this morning. Drinking coffee in our coffeeshop…
Notre Dame
When you read this, I will be somewhere in Europe. I will have already traveled to Paris. And, trust me, it is not lost on me that both Notre Dame and myself are under reconstruction. It is no coincidence. When I lay my eyes on the Cathedral Notre Dame it will be actively undergoing reconstruction – just like me. And, like with any…
Underpinnings
When Mike died I felt my foundation shift and collapse. I buried him, but it was me who was buried alive by the wreckage of our dilapitdated life. For a long time I thought that maybe if I stood still he’d come for me. I thought he would somehow find me and save me from the ruins of our lost life. Then, after a while, I realized that Mike…
Another Sunday
It’s Sunday again. Right about now, I should hear you happily humming as you walk down the stairs to start the coffee. As I lay in our bed, I should notice the familiar sound of the beans grinding. Soon, the smell of coffee should be thick in the air. There should be music playing in the kitchen. And, any moment now, my phone should ding and…
Normalish
One of my goals is to become more present. I want to learn to live in the moment. I want to exist more consciously again. When Mike died I lost my ability to focus on the here and now. Looking back, maybe I never had this capability; but, when he was alive, at least I did not spend as much time lost in my thoughts. What has become my “new normal”,…
Rocketman
Sunday morning I took myself to a diner for breakfast. Our diner. It was not easy to go there without him. I’ve done it before, but never on a Sunday, their busiest day. I said “ for one”, and I sat myself at the countertop. I ordered myself a coffee – for one.Great tunes were playing.And, it felt good to be there. I will admit, I did almost…
Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks
I’m sitting in Mike’s spot at the kitchen table. Wondering how to put my love for this man into words. As I’m sitting here, I can’t help but notice that he’s everywhere in this house. Once upon a time, he sat in this same chair I’m sitting on now. I notice that my elbow is on the table and I am cupping my cheek in my hand -exactly…