My friend just texted me about dates. Her text wasn’t about a coffee date or an up coming dinner date. Nope, her text was not about those type of dates. Instead, she was referencing dates on the calendar that are significant because her husband died. What a Joy Kill is what most people outside of the grief community might think; but,…
Empty Act
Today was ”okay”. My grief wasn’t especially heavy. But, this is not usual. Most of the time I feel completely empty inside. The landscape of my Soul is barren since Mike died. I wish it was different, but it’s not. I feel empty. There is an awful hollowness that lives inside me that I can’t lose. However, most people in…
Strongish at Best
Most people on the periphery assume we are strong because they see us doing life. They see us on our driveways. They watch us get into our vehicles as we are on our way to participate in the stuff of living. Yes, we are doing things. They are witness to it. And, the assumption is that we’ve got this. And, maybe part of us does have…
Does this ever get easier?
I had these exact same thoughts a year ago; and, tonight I wonder if any of this ever gets easier. Am I a lousy widow? Am I doing this wrong? What the hell am I supposed to do? What can I do to make any of this better? Is this even possible. Is it fair to assume that I will recover from Mike’s death? Still, 2.5 years later almost every thought…
Where Are You Mike?
I often say aloud, “Where are you?” I hold my hands out in front of me and hope to sense him in the air. I miss his physical presence and sometimes the lack of it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. This widow life, it is…
Baggage
When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language. There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. I simply didn’t know where to go from there. I did not know how to proceed without my life companion. I desperately wanted to ask someone…
Who I used to be…
I wrote about how it felt to be his girl. I tried to express what I think Mike felt for me. But, really, the feelings between us were bigger than any words I can write. Our Souls fell into one another. And, there is no recovering from a love like this. Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to live the rest of my life with all this missing. …
Hollow Inside
In every store you visit the shelves are lined with colorful, foil wrapped chocolate bunnies. They stand neatly organized in the aisles, adorned with ribbons and bows. At first glance, these holiday treats catch your eye because they look shiny and decadent. But, things aren’t as they appear. We know the bunnies are hollow inside even…
The Dress
I bought a dress. In and of itself this isn’t some big deal. But, in my situation, this ordinary task is monumental and significant. I bought a dress because it caught me eye. I liked it. It is simple and classy. It is white with small black polka dots. In my mind, it seems like something I would like to wear in Paris. I am…
Everything but the Kitchen Sink
As widowed people we do not talk about this enough. When they died, our sex lives died with them. There I said it. Sexual bereavement is a thing. It is very real and it profoundly affects us as we live on without the one we love. Daily, we miss the intimacy of being a couple. And, nothing, not one thing can replace this. The daily…
Having All Your Birthdays in One Day 2
It was Mike’s birthday on March 22nd. On this day, I will always “celebrate” him. There will never be a birthday of his that I don’t think tenderly of him. On his birthday I purposefully choose to remember the way he lived. I celebrate the life and love we shared together. This is how I try to honor him everyday – not just on his…
Holding Pattern
So far, year three of widowhood has felt restless. After the initial shock of Mike’s death wore thin, I began to feel restless and I have remained this way ever since. Early on, I naively sought to “fix” my brokenness. Now, after almost two and a half years, I know that there is no fixing this. I simply must build around the grief that…