As a widow, my relationship with time is strained and worn. In the past, I assumed that I had at least twenty more years with Mike, but I didn’t. He and I ran out of time. There was simply not enough time. For reasons I do not know or understand, we were not given more time together. And, now, without him, there is too much time. Too much time…
Wanderlust 2
Wanderlust take 2. I need to see new things. And, also, I need to see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the air – somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel like I am holding my breath, Living here in the outskirts of my old life.
Reconstruction
My life is under reconstruction and it has been this way since the moment he died. When I buried Mike, I said farewell to the life I knew and loved. This isn’t me being all dramatic – this is simply the truth. When his heart stopped, a part of me died. And, now for the last two years and some months, I have been working to recreate myself. …
Stale Coffee
I am tired. I am tired of everything about widowed life. It is heavy. And, for the better part of two years and a handful of months, I have been doing the heavy lifting of grief. I am sick of it. The loneliness. The isolation. The emotional and mental exhaustion. I am tired of all that grief offers. I think I have sampled it…
I’m still your Girl
I have not felt your lips against mine for over two years. It has been almost a thousand days since I have heard your voice outside of my memory. And, it is starting like I knew it would. I am starting to forget your voice. I’ve tried to keep the sound of your voice clear in my mind by replaying our conversations again and again, but it…
Lifelines
This is not how I imagined my life. We should have been in our new house for over two years now. Mike and I should be celebrating our two year Wedding Anniversary August 20th, 2019. But, he died. And, none of this happened or will happen. There is no shared home. There will not be a Wedding Anniversary. There won’t be anything. …
Joy Isn’t Found in Tap Water
Grief is messy. And, it demands our attention. Grief does not follow a predictable route, and neither should you. There is no road map to follow. You need to find your own way through this. You need to follow your heart and trust your instincts. When your person dies, no one hands you a manual that explains how to handle the cruddy stuff that…
StrongISH
Most people on the periphery assume we are strong because they see us doing life. They see us on our driveways. They watch us get into our vehicles as we are on our way to participate in the stuff of living. Yes, we are doing things. They witness it. And, the assumption is that we’ve got this. And, maybe part of us does have this. But, there is…
This is Getting Old
This whole widow thing is getting old. I just want to be like the other women my age who are casually going about their “normal” lives. I want to be like the women who are busy raising their kids, getting scheduled manicures in between loads of laundry and maintaining a successful career. I want to be like the women who are planning romantic…
Average Widow
In the early months, I remember reading the blogs of people who were years into widowhood and I was dumbstruck. I had no idea how they did it. I was completely in awe about how they were going about rebuilding their lives. And, I hoped that I could be like them. I hoped I would survive outliving Mike; but, I was not sure how they were doing…
If I could Back Up
On New Year’s Eve everyone is looking forward. But, for those of us who have lost our beloved, we want to back up. It is a hard spot to be in. We know that we must move forward with the rest of the world, yet our hearts are in the past. This is my third NYE without Mike and it has been the gentlelest so far. I miss him to the depths of…
It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas – Finally
This is my third Christmas without Mike. The first year, Christmas came along 6 weeks after he died and in many ways this was a blessing because I was in so much shock that nothing really phased me. I have almost no recollection of that first Christmas. And, I think this is the way it is supposed to be. I know that I cooked a complete…