I am a different woman because you died This feels truthful and awful all at once. I sense the world around me in a way I never used to. I feel the world – deeply. Everything seeps into me. The ugliness. The harshness. The beauty. And, the gentleness. I am swathed in life. It exists all around me. But, I am a million miles from “here”. I am…
Stay the Course
I am no longer counting the days or the months of Mike’s deadness. It has become irrelevant to me. The numbers don’t matter anymore. Mike is gone. Mike is really dead. And, I am not. This is what matters. I know this sounds harsh, but how else can I put it? His death has been harsh, and that’s such an understatment it is beyond…
Another Birthday without him
This weekend I celebrated my third birthday without Mike. He died just over two years ago, but this is the third time I have had a birthday without him beside me. The first year, my birthday happened two weeks after he died. That birthday; and, most of the first year without him is a blur to me. When I look back I don’t remember much of…
A Season of Progress
Just like in life, in grief there is progress. Thankfully, time changes grief. I don’t know how or why, but time softens the edges – ever so slightly. And, thankfully, time has taken the sting from my tears and the primal rawness from my cries; but, still, the missingness is ever present. Last year, I visited a local Christmas store because I…
It’s Me
I used to answer my phone and I’d hear him say “Hi Beautiful, it’s me”. I miss those days. I miss when my phone would ring and his voice was on the other end. I miss hearing the man I love telling me it was him. Art: Loui Jover When he was alive, Mike belonged to me and I belonged to him. And, for a short while, everything seemed…
Another Year
I have lived without him now for two years. I am not entirely sure what to do with this. There is nothing that needs to be done – I know. There was no special fanfare that marked his two year death day. I observed the day subtly and quietly – on my own. Not surprisingly, no one gave me a medal for surviving two years of widowhood. There…
I Don’t Like Dessert
I don’t like dessert, so I will not be serving it with our Thanksgiving dinner. I have never really liked dessert. And, Mike didn’t like dessert either. I wonder if that is a coincidence? I think not. I can tell you that I don’t think there are any coincidences in life, even when it comes to dessert. I almost always pass on…
Condiments
For almost two years, I have kept a small, hand picked assortment of condiments in my freezer. The content of these containers have long expired; but, still, I can not bring myself to throw them out because they are from the recent past – when Mike was alive. These common containers are anything but ordinary. To me, they are stale, sticky, well…
Undressed
How do I reenter life? The life I knew and loved has been radically changed. There is simply no returning to it. That life is over. I can not resume where he and I left off. I need to rebuild. But, where do I begin? When he died I felt my foundation shift and collapse. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the…
Maybe this will Help – What I know about Grief and Support
I wish I had better guidance to give people early on when they tried to help me. People were making heartfelt efforts to comfort me – most armed without experience. Two years later, these helpers have almost all disappeared. And, I understand. People have lives of their own to live. I understand.I understand that they simply can not understand…
What do I do?
I ask myself again and again – What do I do? I whisper these words to myself as I walk out into the world and go about my life – without him. I’ve been asking this question for nearly two damn years… I am tired of this question. I want to fill my mind with other thoughts. But, since he died, I’m different than most women my age. The…
Connection
I miss our connection to one another. When your spouse dies, it feels like you are undergoing an amputation without any anesthetic. Their absence is felt on a Soul level. And, learning to live without them breaks you in places you didn’t know existed. Over time, a natural, graceful interdependence developed between us. Together, we…