• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Widow's Voice

Widow's Voice

  • Soaring Spirits
  • Donate
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors
    • Kelley Lynn
    • Emily Vielhauer
    • Emma Pearson
    • Kathie Neff
    • Gary Ravitz
    • Victoria Helmly
    • Lisa Begin-Kruysman

Another Year

Posted on: November 12, 2018 | Posted by: Staci Sulin

I have lived without him now for two years. 

I am not entirely sure what to do with this.  There is nothing that needs to be done – I know.  There was no special fanfare that marked his two year death day.  I observed the day subtly and quietly – on my own.  Not surprisingly, no one gave me a medal for surviving two years of widowhood.  There was no one dripping praise on me for “dutifully” being Mike’s widow for 24 months.  There was just his deadness looming over the day like it does every day. 

 

Still, two years is a significant amount of time.  I felt something, but I am not sure what.  Marking year two was less significant to me than completing year one of widowhood.  November 15, 2018 marked two years; and, next year it will be three, then the year after it will be four years, and then five years, then shortly after it will be a decade.  I realize that the awfulness of this date will arrive every year for the rest of my life.  And, really what does this mean?  Does this date even matter in the big picture?  It doesn’t.  It is not relevant.  His death date is never at date I will “celebrate” because it was the worst day of my life.  

 

Now, after two years,  the feeling of Mike being absent, is more familiar than his presence.  The life I am living is a wildly altered version of my former life.  And, my new life does not fit right yet.  Maybe it never will.  It is uncomfortable.

I exist in the shadows of our former life and I am not content here.  I am restless where I am.  But, I do not know how to fix this.   In suburbia, without a spouse, you do not fit in with the white picket fence crowd.  I am forced to exist in an awkward type of limbo.  As a middle aged widow, my heart beats out of time and my breath is laboured because I am completely exasperated by the lack lustre feeling inside me.  I continually feel underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time.  Something has to change…

I am trying to piece together a new life for myself ,but when he died I was not given the blueprints for life as a widow.  So, I am designing my new life by trial and error.  I rely heavily on my instinct to recreate my life without him.  And, to say that it is tedious and exhauting work would be an understatement. 

However, despite the obvious terrible things about my life without him; there is something about these “grieving pains” that I don’t altogether hate.  Something profound is happening with me.  I am just not exactly sure what it is yet.  Maybe this is what year three is about.  Figuring out what I can do.  Finding out what I am capable of.  And, discovering who I am – without him.

 

Whatever the case may be, I have a good feeling about my future.  I don’t know why, but I know that I will land on my feet.  And, you will too.

 

Best to you as we live on without the one we love,

 

Staci 

Categories: Widowed Anniversaries

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.

Primary Sidebar

Footer

Quick Links

  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors

SSI Network

  • Soaring Spirits International
  • Camp Widow
  • Resilience Center
  • Widowed Village
  • Widowed Pen Pal Program
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

Contact Info

Soaring Spirits International
2828 Cochran St. #194
Simi Valley, CA 93065

Email: [email protected]

Phone: 877-671-4071

Soaring Spirits International is a 501(c)3 Corporation EIN#: 38-3787893. Soaring Spirits International provides resources with no endorsement implied.

Copyright © 2023 Widow's Voice. All Rights Reserved.