I am no longer counting the days or the months of Mike’s deadness. 

It has become irrelevant to me. 

The numbers don’t matter anymore. 

Mike is gone.  Mike is really dead.  And, I am not.  This is what matters. 

 

I know this sounds harsh, but how else can I put it?  His death has been harsh, and that’s such an understatment it is beyond ridiculous.  Mike being dead sucks more than anything has ever sucked in my entire life.  But, there is nothing that can change this.  It simply is what it is.  

 

His dead status is not fixable.  Nothing can be done to undo it.  And, no amount of practice or time makes me feel at “peace” with Mike being dead.  But, I know that I do have to accept that he is dead because it can not be changed. 

Until recently, I hated the word acceptance in relation to Mike’s death.  I have consistently resisted acceptance until now.  To this point, I haven’t learned to accept his death further than a cognitive level.  However, now, I acknowledge that I need to do more than this. 

This third year of widowhood, I have decided that I am going to try to accept Mike’s death at the Heart level.  I know that in the Heart is where true acceptance exists.  True acceptance is something I have to feel, it isn’t a thing I can think my way towards.

I am not entirely sure how to go about accepting Mike’s death.  And, I am not sure if anything particular is required of me other than my strong desire to make acceptance happen.  I am going to simply stay the course and I will attempt to soften the edges of my grief – even more.  If I can make my grief “quieter”, I know that I will begin to hear the heartbeat of life again.  Acceptance – it will ultimately lead me towards LIVING again; therefore it is mandatory for me to work on it.

I am absolutely determined to focus on LIVING because this is the only way I know how to survive his death. 

With two years of widowhood complete, my grief has changed in many significant ways; and, I feel even more big changes coming my way in the near future.  Change no longer scares me.  Now, it excites me.  This is progress.  Something very significant has changed inside me and I am going to be better for it.

Thankfully, the “life force” inside my Soul is growing stronger.  It is impossible for me to ignore it anymore.  I am being forced to move toward authentic living again and it feels good.  Surviving Mike’s death is not enough for me; and, really, it never was.   Finally, I want to LIVE again.  And, my strong desire to live is making my grief weaker.  

As I type this, I can tell you with certainity that I know that I am going to be “okay”.  I used to hope that I’d be “okay”; and, now, I KNOW it to be true.  This is making all the difference.  It feels so good to be confident about my life again.  Crawling out from the darkness of the last two years has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  And, I still have a ways to go.  But, without a doubt, I know that I am going to have a beautiful life again.  I feel it. 

And, I thank Mike for this.  He is helping to lead me toward the life I want and need.  I know that he is helping me stay the course as I fight to reenter life again.  Like always, he is steady and “here” when I need him.   I am so well loved, even now.

At the end of the day, Mike wanted nothing more than to share his life with me, and he did.  And, now that, that life is over he wants nothing more than his “Beautiful” girl to smile again and recreate a life worth living. 

Mike told me, “Stace, one day you are going to look into the mirror and ask yourself what do you want to do.”  And, I remember his answer,  “Honey, you can do anything you want”. 

Now, finally, I believe him, the way he believed in me,

~Staci