I do not have it figured out yet. But, day by day I am getting closer to finding my way back to life. I have created a makeshift plan that I’m getting excited about. And, being even mildly excited is reason to celebrate because for nearly two years I’ve been completely underwhelmed by my life. I know that my new life will be very different…
A Life Unfinished
It’s Sunday morning… I should hear you happily humming as you walk down the stairs to start the coffee. As I lay in our bed, I should notice the familiar sound of the beans grinding. Soon, the smell of coffee should be thick in the air. There should be music playing in the kitchen. And, any moment now, my phone should ding and the screen…
Helpers
Dear Helpers, One of the most powerful things anyone can say to me is “Yes, this is __________”. *Insert: awful, terrible, horrible, sad, unfair, gutting… Any word that acknowledges that Mike’s death sucks will complete this simple sentence. The fact is Mike being dead is hard for me. And, yes, it still continues to be…
Blind Faith
Continuing to love him in separation doesn’t just seem obvious, It FEELS like the natural thing to do. Our Love didn’t die. Our Love didn’t wane when his body died. Continuing our bond is as necessary as breath for me. I continue to love Mike in separation, because it’s the only way I know how to live. But, lately I admit that…
Wanderlust
I need to see new things. And, also, see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the air – somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel like I am holding my breath, Living here in the outskirts of my old life. ~Staci I feel restless lately. …
Our First Wedding Anniversary
Tomorrow is our first “Wedding” Anniversary. And, I call it our Wedding Anniversary even though Mike died before we said “I do”. I married him in a thousand different ways before he even asked me to be his wife. In our hearts we were husband and wife; And, now given the circumstance, people tell me that’s what matters. Still, I…
Love Note #1
My Love, I miss you to the depths of me. When I say to the depths of me, I mean I yearn for you, With all that I am -in my human form. And, then further. The aching for you lives, Both, inside and outside of me. I feel all the missingness, Loosely, messily, precariously Contained inside of me. Ricocheting off the corners of my…
Falling out of Grief
I feel like this may need some sort of introductory explanation. Suffice to say, that this entry is kinda sultry; but, more so, it is fairly profound – at least to me. ~Staci I have figured out how to love Mike -in separation. And, I am not talking about some superficial, makeshift love. I am talking about deep, pure, passionate love. The type of…
La Bella Vita
A year ago, if someone told me that my life would fall into place again I would have hoped what they were telling me was right. The problem is that hope does not provide a sense of contentment because hope can only take you so far. It is just a starting point. There is a big difference between hoping and knowing. Now, finally, inside my…
Living Room
I should have started writing my blog a long time ago, but the day got away from me because I got busy L-I-V-I-N-G . I didn’t do anything particularly noteworthy today. In fact, I spent the better part of the day doing “normal” things; which, in and of itself, is not extraordinary. But, what was exceptional about today was that I actually…
Options
I think we all feel “lost” in some way, and sometimes in all ways. But, understand, feeling lost after the person you love dies doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself forever. I know that outliving the person you love isn’t easy. In truth, it’s easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been forced to do. I remember many nights I stood in…
Beginnings
It goes without saying that I miss Mike. He was my life companion. My best friend. My lover. My Soul’s mate. He was my person. The one who championed me. He was the man who loved me to the depths of my Soul – from the depth of his own. But, now he is dead. And, I am here missing all that he was. To say that I miss his love is an…