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It’s Me

Posted on: November 21, 2018 | Posted by: Staci Sulin

I used to answer my phone and I’d hear him say “Hi Beautiful, it’s me“. 

I miss those days. 

I miss when my phone would ring and his voice was on the other end. 

I miss hearing the man I love telling me it was him. 

 

Art: Loui Jover

 

When he was alive, Mike belonged to me and I belonged to him.  And, for a short while, everything seemed right in the world.  And, now, nothing, not one damn thing, has felt right in almost two years.
 
I knew Mike thought of me as his person when he casually referred to himself as “it’s me”.  This phrase between couples becomes commonplace as a friendship turns into a romantic relationship.  It is an informal way of sealing the deal.  It is a universal phrase that solidifies your couplehood. 
 
“It’s me”, is a phrase that comes to be when you acknowledge that you are theirs and they are yours. Like many couples, Mike and I declared that we belonged to one another with this short, subtle phrase.  This was just one of the many gestures that we naturally adapted as we fell in love with each other. I really miss being in love – with him.  In truth, I am still in love with Mike.  And, I think I always will be.
 
 
 
These days, there is not a person in the world that calls me and says “it’s me”.  I am not anyone’s person anymore and no one is mine.  I miss being a better half.  I miss being part of a couple. 
 
“It’s me”, just two small words – that mean the world.
This is just one of the many everyday phrases that widowed people lose and desperately miss. 
 
It is strange, but there is no official mourning of these nuances between lovers. However, I think that it is important to acknowledge that these gestures are missing from our lives without them.  These terms of endearment are what we ache for in the middle of an ordinary day.  The lack of these loving terms is what sets us apart from others who are still coupled.  
 
When Mike was alive I knew who I was. 
Now, I have to figure out who I am without him. 
It is only me. 
And, it is my job to figure out what it means to be me.  
What does “it’s me” mean now?

~Staci

Categories: Uncategorized

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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