For me, I know that in order to live a more fulsome life, I need to share my life with a man who is alive. The way I am made requires me to have a physical connection to a person who is living. It is not enough for me to exist on the love of my dead fiance. I need to spend time with a man who physically exists here in this dimension. Existing on the memory of Mike does not fulfill me anymore. I have tried – unsuccessfully – to live on the love of a dead man for years and I am tired of it. I know better; and, now, it is time for me to do better.
Over the last 3.7 years I have worked hard to rebuild my life and recreate my identity. And, for the most part, I have done a pretty decent job of recreating a life for myself without Mike. Generally, my life is good; but, still, my life feels somewhat hollow because I do not share it with someone I am in love with.
Since he died, I have reestablished my life with the exception of my love life. Around the three year mark, I realized that I had to address this missing component of my life without Mike. I acknowledged that I desperately miss being part of a couple and I accepted that I would do something about this. It was no secret to me, I liked being in love and I longed for the feelings that go along with being madly in love. Daily, I have been missing this intangible stuff of love. I continually hunger for what I lost when Mike died. And, for me, I know that I can not be wholly satisfied alone. I remember how much richer my life was with Mike and because of this I am simply not satisfied on my own.
I was a good life partner. My relationship with Mike showed me that I am my best self when I occupy the role of: friend, lover and companion. And, now that I know this, I will be damned if I don’t recreate this scenario for myself again. It is big love or bust for this girl. I will not have it any other way.
I know that I will be really good at being in love with the right person because Mike taught me how to love and be loved properly. He modelled what love looks like for me. His voice taught me what love sounds like. And, he showed me what it feels like to be in love. I know love by heart because of him. Mike was a good teacher. And, all the reasons I want to love again are because of Mike. This passionate desire for love that lives inside me is Mike’s fault. I blame Mike completely. He made me a Fan Girl of Love and I would not have it any other way.
So, what am I going to do with all this love that exists inside me? Well, I am going to love forward carrying with me the lessons about love Mike taught me. I am going to fall in love again one day before my life ends. And, really, somehow, I have known this all along. It is my hope that one day soon, I will write to you about a big love I have fallen into once again.
With a hopeful heart,