I miss my life partner.
My very best friend in all the world died 3.7 years ago and it sucks. It will always hurt my heart that Mike is gone from Earth. Sometimes, even all these years later, I still physically choke on my sadness. My heart remains heavy without him. Sure, I have had some very happy and joyous moments since he died; but each and every day my breath feels heavy as it enters my lungs. Life is not easy for me anymore. And, the truth is, I don’t know if it ever will be again. Nothing. Not one thing is the same for me since Mike stopped breathing. He took his last breath and I have been struggling to breathe ever since. Everything I was when he was alive changed the moment he died. I have been fighting to recreate my life ever since that November day nearly four years ago.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of his warm smile. Not a day goes by that I do not picture his kind blue eyes looking at me. Not a day goes by that I do not miss him. Every morning for almost four years I have woken up and wished he was alive. Never once have I forgotten that he is missing from my life. Mike’s absence is my first thought every day. And, every single night I lay in my empty bed and wish he was here. It is a terrible way to live. It is so very, very hard. But, thankfully life gets busy. Life demands my attention, so even though I miss him, I must continue to persevere. At nighttime, I close my eyes and I try to dream new dreams as I drift off to sleep. I have to. I can’t just continually wish for a life that is over. I have to live my own life now; but this is easier said than done. I’m trying. I’m gaining traction.
But, no matter how hard I try, as Mike’s widow, several times each and every day for the last 1315 days I have felt his absence from me. Not a day goes by that memories of him don’t crowd my mind. I – miss – him. I can’t help but miss him. Right now, as I type this, there is a lump in my throat that I can not seem to swallow. And, once again familiar tears have welled up in my eyes. I can’t keep my tears in my eyes – they are too heavy – and soon they will run down my cheeks like they always do.
I MISS HIM. I miss him so much I could just put my head down and cry. As I sit in his spot in our kitchen, I desperately long for everything that died with my good kind man. My tears run down my face and really I don’t know what else to do but cry… What the hell else can you do when your best friend in all the world dies?
I wonder what exactly I am crying about. It is more than his deadness. At this point in my grief, I am crying about what his absence means in my life. When Mike was in my life I felt truly content and safe. And, I want to feel safe and secure again. I am tired of feeling anxious and scared without him. I want to feel that familiar peaceful, easy feeling again. I want to feel adored once more. I want to see a man’s eyes light up at the sight of me because I am his life. I want to feel madly in love again. I am crying for the loss of this stuff. I am crying because I miss Mike and mostly I am crying because I miss being in love like I was with him. I miss the love that he brought to my life.
I hate that Mike died, but he did… I will always rage against Mike’s deadness, but there is nothing that can “fix” the mess that is Mike’s death. However, a new love can make me be less alone. A new love can love me and that’s a start. A new man will bring me into the present in a way that not a lot else can. I can’t remedy my loss of Mike with random hobbies and other tangible things.
I can only help ease the void Mike left with love itself.
When I miss Mike what I’m missing is love.
How can I solve this absence of love with anything but love?
Love is the cure here – I know this.
A new man is not required to replace Mike. That is no one’s job. It is no one’s role. I am not so selfish that I expect someone to heal me. One human being can not replace another. I know this. A new man will simply be enough on his own. He will be what I need in my life now. Whoever he is, he will bring my attention to the here and now. He will crowd my mind with new things… I need this. And, most importantly, I want this. Others who are widowed might not desire a new love; but I know myself, I am best in love. I am my best self being the right man’s girl. And, that is what I both need and want. I was Mike’s girl once upon a time… and now that time is over.
I was driving home today and I played a certain song on repeat again and again and I missed Mike while I listened to the lyrics. Then, later on that same drive, I listened to some music that has nothing to do with Mike. In fact, the music was given to me by a man who isn’t Mike. Huh. Widowhood is weird.