After a much needed hiatus from dating I went back on the apps this weekend… But, before I get into that it is important to note why I have been focused on me.
I took time to minister purposeful self care to myself. I know that I am what matters. I am what is constant in the rest of my life. So, given this, I strive to find peace within myself.
Developing a strong sense of contentment and self love is the beginning, it is the entry point back to life. I realize that any happiness that comes my way in the future will come from within me. The truth is that genuine joy is found within my own heart. And, because I know this and I have been mining for joy from within for some time now.
I am fully aware that joy and happiness can not be manufactured outside of myself. And, I also recognize that it is easy to want someone to give me these feelings. But, I want to experience true, happiness; therefore, I can not look to another human being to make me happy. That is not how this works. I know this. Hence, my departure from the dating apps. I had to spend some time righting my own ship.
And, while mentioning happiness I acknowledge that it can seem elusive in grief. I know that some people take point with the idea of “happiness” in grief. I get it. Some people rebel against the idea of happy because it feels so foreign in grief. Happiness seems to have been lost, and maybe in many ways it has been. But, for me, I will not abandon the notion that I can and will be happy again. I just can’t give up on being happy.
Mike used to tell me “you are always so happy Stace”. And, he was right. I am a naturally joy filled person. And, this predisposition of mine has served me well in grief.
After he died, I was sad – I was beyond sad for years and years. Even, now, I am still sad. A part of me will always be sad that Mike is dead. I miss him. Desperately – I miss him. And, here is what I have figured out, I accept that both this sadness born from his death, and a new happiness can and will coexist. This is profound, at least for me.
I have stopped fighting the sadness because I realize that it is not an either or thing. Because I am sad, does not mean I can not also be happy; and, maybe, just maybe I will also be happy in love too…
Before I am accused of being Pollyanna, I know full well that I won’t be happy like I used to be; but that does not mean I won’t be happy at all. I will be. I have set my mind to this. I will fight for a “happy” life because, I feel, in my case, that my life actually depends on it. I need to find joy and peace and happiness again and I sense that I am on my way toward this.
I need to smile from within again and when I am in love this is easy stuff. For me, a man helps. It is what it is. I wish I could say I can live the rest of my life without a man, but I can’t. I like men. I like how it feels to be someone’s girl.
When I am in love my eyes light up at the sight of him.
I am giddy like a school girl when the thought of him crosses my mind.
When I am in love, a smile is shamelessly smeared across my face.
What can I say?
I love love.
And, do I ever miss being in it.
Mike made me a Fan Girl of love and I am back at dating because of him. Currently, there are a couple new men I am talking to. None of them mean anything yet, and they likely never will. But, then again, one of them might be my next great love. Yet, despite being a Fan Girl of Love, the truth is, I am not really a huge fan of dating. *Sigh.
I don’t wish to be dating. I don’t want to be doing any of this. I was in love. Madly. Mike and I were in big, crazy love. And, then it just vanished when he stopped living. It is fucking tragic.
Once upon a time, like you, I had someone who adored me. But, he died when I was the tender age of 42. I woke up and he was just gone. And, when he died, all the love we had died with him. Well, I admit, the love remains between us even now; but, the physical love is gone. And, if you have lived with only invisible love you know how very, very hard it is to remain satisfied by a love you can not see, hear, touch or feel. Invisible love doesn’t satiate the Soul. It leaves you skin starved and hungry.
Everything Mike was to me and all that we were together, is gone. Over. He is never coming back, I’ve accepted this. And, still, it breaks my heart and crushes my Soul when I think about it. I loved being in love with Mike. I loved loving him. I was so good at it. Loving him proved to me that I am good at loving the right man.
So, where does all this leave me? Well, I am not completely sure… But, I know that for me, a dead man’s love is not enough. I’ve tried to make it enough, but it just isn’t. I desire more. I am open to being in love with a man who is still alive. And, I am fairly sure that big love is rarely found on a dating app, but it is worth a shot because it is not likely that my next big love is going to walk up and knock on my front door, the way I did with Mike. If you didn’t know, Mike and I met because I just showed up at his front door one day… I literally walked up to his house and into his life. Fate happened. And, it is my guess is Fate will lead the way again for me.