Widow's Voice

Magic Tears

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I wish we were neighbors.  I would come over with my cup and while we talked I would casually stir my tears into my coffee.  Maybe my tears are magical.  Maybe somehow, by swallowing them, the bitterness of living my life without him would dissipate.

But, we aren’t neighbors.

And, my tears aren’t magic.

So, now what?

How the heck do I fill the emptiness that lives inside me?

 

 

I don’t really know.  I think I just continue; but, I am absolutely exhausted.  The endurance grief requires is staggering.  It has been 4.2 years and I am completely drained.  I am drained of everything.  I am living on reserves.  I am utterly Soul tired.  Still, I get up each day and live forward.  I do the stuff that is required of me and I seek small moments of joy in between my responsibilities.  I think that all I can do is try.  And, I try again, and again and again.  I will stubbornly keep living forward until, one day, I have a life that is more fulfilling than the one I am living today.

 

~Staci

Staci Sulin

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.

It has been over four years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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