It has been nearly five years since Mike was alive; and, this is the first year that I am not particularly consumed about his upcoming death date in November. This is progress for me; but, I don’t feel overly thrilled that his death is becoming “easier” for me to live with. It feels strange to be so under affected by Mike’s death. I have some guilt about this. I know it is misplaced guilt, but, right or wrong, it is there.
In the past, his absence weighed so very heavy on me. For many years, Mike’s death stole me away from my own life. And, recently, he seems to be taking up more space in the rearview mirror of my life. Maybe this sounds awful and it feels lousy to write it, but it is the truth.
Since he died, my life has continued to unfold. This is what life does. It unfolds. These last 4.11 years there have been many tears and moments of Soul crushing sadness, but in the end, Joy is winning. Once again, I am reengaging in living. I no longer endlessly ruminate about my dead fiance; instead, I focus on myself and my life and the people who share my life with me.
I am more grounded in MY life these days.
I am more present here in the land of the living.
I am where I belong again.
The memories of the life I shared with Mike are becoming the quiet background music in my new life. Mike would tell me that is what should be happening. In fact, I know that he has wanted this for me for a long time now. But, grief does not just change because my dead fiancé wants it to. And, likewise, grief, doesn’t become softer or more bearable just because we want it to. Nope. Grief has a timeline of it’s own. For me, my grief only receded into the background when I started to genuinely LIVE more. I often say that “My Grief got “softer” when my Life got louder”. This is the most accurate way I can describe the process.