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Louder

Posted on: October 18, 2021 | Posted by: Staci Sulin

It has been nearly five years since Mike was alive; and, this is the first year that I am not particularly consumed about his upcoming death date in November.  This is progress for me; but, I don’t feel overly thrilled that his death is becoming “easier” for me to live with.  It feels strange to be so under affected by Mike’s death.  I have some guilt about this.  I know it is misplaced guilt, but, right or wrong, it is there.

In the past, his absence weighed so very heavy on me.  For many years, Mike’s death stole me away from my own life.  And, recently, he seems to be taking up more space in the rearview mirror of my life.  Maybe this  sounds awful and it feels lousy to write it, but it is the truth.  

Since he died, my life has continued to unfold.   This is what life does.  It unfolds.  These last 4.11 years there have been many tears and moments of Soul crushing sadness, but in the end, Joy is winning.   Once again, I am reengaging in living.  I no longer endlessly ruminate about my dead fiance; instead, I focus on myself and my life and the people who share my life with me.  

I am more grounded in MY life these days.  

I am more present here in the land of the living.

I am where I belong again.

The memories of the life I shared with Mike are becoming the quiet background music in my new life.  Mike would tell me that is what should be happening.  In fact, I know that he has wanted this for me for a long time now.  But, grief does not just change because my dead fiancé wants it to.  And, likewise, grief, doesn’t become softer or more bearable just because we want it to.  Nope.  Grief has a timeline of it’s own.  For me, my grief only receded into the background when I started to genuinely LIVE more.   I often say that “My Grief got “softer” when my Life got louder”.  This is the most accurate way I can describe the process.  

 

~Staci

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Uncategorized

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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