Lately I have been feeling almost “normal” again and wouldn’t you know it, “normal” feels abnormal to me after being out of sorts for nearly five years…
*Sigh. Grief is stupid in so many ways and this is yet another way that it messes with your psyche.
It has taken me nearly five long years to regain my place in the world since Mike died. If I could have shown the girl who was admitted to the hospital for anxiety and shock the night he died a glimpse of my life now, maybe she would have been given a sense of peace; or, maybe it would have made things worse. There is no way she could have imagined the life I have now. A peak into the life I lead now would have likely launched the newly widowed me into a tailspin because my life now, compared to my life with Mike, is completely unrecognizable. There are some things that are better; and, undeniably, other things are worse. I tend to focus on the good and accept the bad as simply the after affects of living without him.
Anyhow, I am rambling a bit because I am distracted right now with living (which admittedly is a good thing). Since I have begun reengaging in life in a more fulsome way, the words are not coming to me the way they did years ago when my grief consumed me. My mind wanders now, but it does not wander to Mike as often as it used to. Instead , I am less interested in the past and more interested in the present. I am more focused on what is going on in this reality; which, to me, is preferable to when, in years past, I would spend hours lost in rumination about Mike and our life together.
Most definitely, there was a time and place for curating thoughts of him like sacred memories I would press against my heart and attempt to memorize by feel. In the past, I spent hours tenderly thinking about Mike and reliving our life together in my mind. It was a necessary part of my grief; and, likewise, it is necessary that I have stopped this now.
This isn’t to say that I don’t still think of him. I do. I will always think of him with love and gratitude; but, now I think of him in a more healthy way – thoughts of Mike no longer pull me away from the life before me. Now, I can think of him and simultaneously go about living my life. Thankfully, his memory no longer steals me away from living – I am grateful about this.
These days I am feeling pretty “normal” which is no longer a familiar feeling to me. It feels strange that grief has loosened the stronghold it had on me for such a long time. Obviously, I am relieved that I can relax a bit; but, I am surprised that being content isn’t as easy as I remember it being. I guess I am going to have to relearn how to “be” almost “normal” once again.