There is a space where my husband’s voice once lived, a big empty hole that sits in the center of my hours, my days, my years. It mocks me by following me wherever I go, And it feeds off of it’s own nothingness, Sipping on the hollow void, A cruel silence where there used to be sound.It follows me everywhere, But it is most cruel whenever I try…
widowed missing him
I Forgot You Died
My husband’s sudden and unexpected death happened on a Wednesday. July 13, 2011. We had gone to sleep the night before, and I still don’t recall saying goodnight. Or saying anything. We simply fell asleep, in the exhaustion of having two jobs and being busy and life. A few hours later, he had left for his volenteer job at the local Petsmart,…
Eleven
Since it has been a crazy, busy week for me, and since I have been missing my husband in a way that is so intense lately I almost cannot handle it, I thought I would go back through my personal blog and find one of the few “visit” type dreams I have had about Don since he died, and share it with you here. I haven’t had a dream like this one in…
I Didnt Know
I did not know that it was possible to miss someone this much. I mean – I actually, really, honestly, did not know. I had no idea that I would go see a production of the hilarious play Noises Off tonight, put on by the Theatre Department at the University I teach at; and laugh so hard that my ribs hurt, and then get in my car just a few…
Finding A Balance ……
…… is sometimes difficult to do. In all areas of life. And on this blog. It’s difficult to write posts that will connect with everyone. If we write about how horribly dark and depressing and hard-to-survive those first days, weeks and months are …… we don’t connect with those who’ve been in this “club” for quite a while. If we write about…
The Game of What If
In just a couple weeks, I’m coming up on 3 years. That realization along with the hormones of pregnancy has really been a lethal – and emotional – combination. I found this old post from my blog that jumped out at me as something I’ve been thinking about lately and thought I would share. Maybe someone, somewhere out there might connect with this…
I Am Alone. I Am With You.
Here is a riddle: What is more sad? Going to the movies alone, or going to the movies with a group of friends, who barely speak to each other or acknowledge each other’s existence? This past weekend, I really wanted to see Gravity. So I went alone. Going to the movies, or anywhere really, by myself, is not a big deal to me. When I was married,…
Dear Dave
Dear Dave, I just finished looking through our pictures again. Sometimes, fearing I’ve imagined my former life, I need proof that it all really happened. Italy, our house rehab, Hawaii, Yellowstone, the hundreds of pics you took of your beloved students scrolled before my eyes. I sobbed and sobbed, scaring the cat with the sounds of my heart…
What if I Forget?
What If I Forget …. His smell. His funny lips and the way they turned up at the corner. His skin. His dry skin that always needed chapstick, and his back that always needed to be scratched. What If I forget … Those piercing blue eyes that became someone else’s eyes when he donated them to the eye bank. The way they looked at me. Through me.
Turn It Down
Today is my birthday. Sort of. This blog will post on Friday, and so by the time you read this, it will no longer be my birthday. But right now, this minute, Thursday, September 26th, at almost midnight, it is the end of my birthday. This year, I am 42. This is the 3rd birthday without my husband. My first birthday without him was so awful, I don’t…
Like a Wheel Within a Wheel ……
…… these are our wedding rings. A circle in a circle. I had them put together like this at about 9 – 10 months out. I wear them on a necklace. I haven’t worn them in a while, but lately, I’ve felt a strong pull to wear them. A lot. I don’t know why and I’ve learned to not question things that I feel pulled to do. I have also felt the…
Changes
What follows is my own opinion. I know it is not everyone’s and I am truly glad to live in a country where I am free to vote for whomever I wish. I am grateful to have a vote when so many women are denied this right. …and I also appreciate the freedom to express my opinions here. Well, we’ve had a bit of a change over here in the past…