I did it. I survived, and sometimes even thrived, Christmas day. It is now Christmas night, and I sit here in my parents dining room on my laptop writing this blog. I am staying with them for 10 days over the holiday, in Massachusetts, away from my usual NYC apartment and life. I love being here. I love my family. However … and there is ALWAYS a…
widowed with no children
Death: the Barrier
I thought this week I would share one of the images from my self portrait series and the story behind it. While I was out shooting on the beach for last week’s photograph – wandering the grassy, windswept dunes – I came across a peculiar sight. Every plant on the beach was bright green and vibrant with life that day. Rich olive green sea…
Living with the Hole
A young widow in my on-line support group, who lost her husband to depression very recently, said something this week that really got me thinking. She had one of those moments that happen in the early days where you kind of forget your partner has gone – she picked up her phone to text him about something and then it hit her hard, she could never…
Crazy Cat Lady
My husband was a huge animal lover, and even more cool, animals absolutely loved him. They flocked to him. We would go over to other people’s houses or just walk to a nearby park, and other people’s pets would run up to him and want to play. If we went to anyone’s home who had a dog, he was instantly playing with the dog. He always wanted a dog of…
Secluded Paths
Maggie kept the beat in our relationship when it came to social engagements. She injected me into a lively social world that held me captive to weekends packed with activities, most of which were not optional. Now, without her overwhelming influence, I find myself woefully disengaged with what I think most people would consider normal life. We had…
Wish You Were Here, Uncle Dan
My usually quiet, peaceful and tidy sanctuary of a home has been turned in to a messy playground for two boisterous little boys this weekend… and I’ver never been happier to have my orderly life turned up-side-down. You see, Dan’s sister is visiting from interstate with her husband and two young boys, aged two and four, and it’s just been…
Let It In
I am not sure where it came from. I am not sure why. I am not sure what actions or non-actions or grief-work or thoughts led to this way that I feel today. This week. This moment. This now. I am not sure of anything, but it happened. I am back to loving Christmas. Monday morning of this week, after 3 years and almost 4 months of living with the…
My Little Seedling of Hope
The weather is warming up here in sunny Queensland, Australia, with Spring in full swing and Summer just around the corner. Last weekend I popped over to visit my sister and her family, who live a few streets away, and they’d just enjoyed their very first swim in their brand new backyard pool. The sun was getting ready to set, casting its…
My Own Worst Enemy
I feel like I’ve been in a rut for more than a month now, since Dan’s first anniversary. I’ve had days here and there where I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it, but in general, the pain has been very deep and the ache for him, overwhelming. The grief has been so relentless that it’s started messing with my head and making me…
Fear Armor
My guy is currently on his way to learn to paraglide. I couldn’t go with him because of a prior engagement so I’m waiting to hear that he is back on the ground. I know he’s more likely to die in a car crash than on this contraption in the air today, but many things could go wrong. Most likely they won’t, but they could. I’ll be anxious, but only in…
Here I Go Again on My Own
Being here in the United States on my own this week has been a very enlightening experience. I have had moments of feeling vulnerable and isolated and also moments of incredible confidence, like I can take on the world. After my husband died it’s been a struggle to adjust to being alone again. I know I can do things without him – I just don’t…
What is a Partner?
As an artist, I believe that every piece I create is coming through me from some other source and meant for one person out there. I’ve come to believe this because of it happening to me with many of my photographs and written pieces. Someone will come forward to share how important my image was to them, and how perfectly it aligned with something…