I am suffering from a bout of depression. I’ve learned from experience that they can often come on when I get overwhelmed. I should know this by now and guard like hell against getting to this point, but I was convinced I was ready to take anything on. I was feeling so good. And then, several life events converged and now, all at once, big things…
Constant Companion
I was listening to a Moth podcast tonight in which a funeral home director talked about his long history of burying people’s loved ones. He said he believed that when we die, we go home. I thought that sounded so beautiful and comforting. I wonder, when I die, what Dave would think of me when I came home? What would that reunion be like? Would it…
Phobia
Before he died, Dave had to be hospitalized a couple times. Once for an attack of pancreatitis and once for a strange flu-like illness that kept him very ill for over 2 weeks. Each incidence, separated by years, brought about my complete unhinging. Just the thought of Dave having an illness serious enough to send him to urgent care several times,…
Cinema Therapy
I was raised to keep my feelings to myself. Burdening my father with my feelings and needs was simply not something I felt safe doing. The consequence was that I repressed my needs and feelings for so long, and so well, that I forgot how to know what I’m feeling. It sounds crazy, I know. How does one not know what she’s feeling? You feel something…
Co-proposed
As we hike through a mountainous eastern Oregon wilderness, I feel that dip in my stomach, like the moment before you plunge down a roller coaster hill as I think about the man walking in front of me on the trail. I feel solid in footing and grateful for the chance to be living a life with him. I feel, after knowing him for 8 months, that he had…
A Matter of When
For 15 years (from 20 to 35 – while Dave and I were together), I didn’t think I wanted kids. I knew Dave really didn’t and I figured that little nagging question mark in the depths of my heart (Should I? Am I missing out?) was just about questioning and doubting, which is what I do about everything. From the moment he died, though, something…
Seeking peace
I’ve been thinking about the loss of my mother a lot lately. She died in August, so no wonder. This time of year, her absence is particularly palpable. She’s been gone 33 years and I’ve never gotten over her death. I don’t feel at peace about it. I feel a missing part, a vacuum where she should be. I rail at the universe for a life without her. I’m…
I Never Dream
I never dream about Dave. This doesn’t make sense to me. He was the most important person in my life for 15 years. We were so close and we spent so much time together. Where is he in my dreams? I dream of people who’ve barely been in my life at all instead. I have stress dreams about teaching like I used to have every late summer as fall…
Compounding
In the car the other day an Iron and Wine song came on. I’ve never paid attention to the lyrics before but suddenly, they penetrated and I heard them for the first time. It’s not a new topic for a song: a soldier at war, missing his wife and kid and finally coming home. However, I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end…And I want to see my…
What now?
My brain is still more disorganized than it was before Dave died. I marvel in an almost morbid way, at the dementia-like symptoms I still exhibit. They’d be funny if they weren’t so embarrassing and worrisome. I wish I could laugh them off but I feel shame about them. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m in a state of mild…
Identities
I had a session with my beloved therapist the other day. I filled her in on what had happened since I’d last seen her and then she said “What do you think about coming to see me? Do you think you’re ready for a break?” and it was as if I’d expected her to ask me.I was only slightly hesitant to say yes. She asked me what came up for me as I’d…
Cut Loose
I’m at the beach. The Oregon coastline is rocky and rugged but also dotted with long stretches of lovely, sandy beaches. It’s a place I’ve grown to love above all others since I moved to Oregon. I’d be completely at peace while here, normally, lying on a blanket, reading my book and listening to the crashing waves. But I had to write my…