I never dream about Dave. This doesn’t make sense to me. He was the most important person in my life for 15 years. We were so close and we spent so much time together.

Where is he in my dreams?

I dream of people who’ve barely been in my life at all instead.

I have stress dreams about teaching like I used to have every late summer as fall approached. The kids are completely out of control and I can’t quiet them down or start a lesson no matter what I do. I can’t even yell loudly enough to be heard over their racket. I can’t get to work on time no matter what I try and my students are all alone in my classroom all morning, I come to work barely dressed with no time to go home and get clothes.

I have inane dreams my mind can’t be bothered to remember.

But that day? I never dream about that day. Him? I never dream about him.

What on earth is this about? I don’t pretend to know how dreaming actually works, or how my dreaming in particular works. And I’m trying not to compound my pain too much by feeling guilty about it. This particular aspect doesn’t have any bearing on the relationship I had with him, I know that. I just wonder about it, in a scientifically curious way.

I’ve been told it’s protective. You dream about the person you lost when you’re ready to. Well, I’m fucking ready to. I always was.

I’ve been told you just have to think about that person before going to sleep and make the intention to dream of them, and you will. If all I had to do was think of him and hope for a dream, then I should have been dreaming of him nearly every night since the day he died. I don’t begin each night’s sleep thinking of teaching (I don’t even teach anymore) but I do dream of teaching.

So, what the hell? Where is he? Why isn’t he in my subconscious? Why is my mind clogged with stupid meaningless stress dreams? I wish they’d provide me some comfort, healing, closure…something.

I watched a show today in which the main character told her son that we dream so we can work through all the things that happened to us that day. I’m still working through the fact that he died every day. I’m still working through the impact of that day on my soul, body and mind. I’m still processing. Not nearly as much as I was, but still. Where are my dreams that will help me process this?

I suppose I should just be glad I don’t get nightmares and leave it at that. Stop looking for something to worry about or lament. But what kind of brain doesn’t dream about the most painful, shocking and heart-breaking event of my life?