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cassie deitz

Thank you

October 13, 2014 by Rebecca Collins Leave a Comment

 This will be my last blog post. Michele will pick up Mondays until she can find a replacement for me. I’m not sure exactly how I know I’m done writing here. Your comments and the knowledge that I’m connecting with others is still healing for me. Even though it is more challenging now, I can still think of things to write about. So, struggling for…

Filed Under: Widowed Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow blogger

Dark Companion

October 6, 2014 by Cassie Deitz 1 Comment

I am suffering from a bout of depression. I’ve learned from experience that they can often come on when I get overwhelmed. I should know this by now and guard like hell against getting to this point, but I was convinced I was ready to take anything on. I was feeling so good. And then, several life events converged and now, all at once, big things…

Filed Under: Widowed Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow blogger, widow depression

Constant Companion

September 29, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

I was listening to a Moth podcast tonight in which a funeral home director talked about his long history of burying people’s loved ones. He said he believed that when we die, we go home. I thought that sounded so beautiful and comforting.  I wonder, when I die, what Dave would think of me when I came home? What would that reunion be like? Would it…

Filed Under: Widowed Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow blogger

Phobia

September 22, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

Before he died, Dave had to be hospitalized a couple times. Once for an attack of pancreatitis and once for a strange flu-like illness that kept him very ill for over 2 weeks. Each incidence, separated by years, brought about my complete unhinging. Just the thought of Dave having an illness serious enough to send him to urgent care several times,…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: widow sick partner, young widow, widow, widow fear, cassie deitz, widow trigger

Cinema Therapy

September 15, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

I was raised to keep my feelings to myself. Burdening my father with my feelings and needs was simply not something I felt safe doing. The consequence was that I repressed my needs and feelings for so long, and so well, that I forgot how to know what I’m feeling. It sounds crazy, I know. How does one not know what she’s feeling? You feel something…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Therapy Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow therapy

Co-proposed

September 8, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

  As we hike through a mountainous eastern Oregon wilderness, I feel that dip in my stomach, like the moment before you plunge down a roller coaster hill as I think about the man walking in front of me on the trail. I feel solid in footing and grateful for the chance to be living a life with him. I feel, after knowing him for 8 months, that he had…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed and New Love Tagged With: young widow, widow, widow dating, cassie deitz, widow remarried

A Matter of When

September 1, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

For 15 years (from 20 to 35 – while Dave and I were together), I didn’t think I wanted kids. I knew Dave really didn’t and I figured that little nagging question mark in the depths of my heart (Should I? Am I missing out?) was just about questioning and doubting, which is what I do about everything. From the moment he died, though, something…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Without Children, Widowed and New Love Tagged With: widow without children, young widow, widow, widow dating, cassie deitz

Seeking peace

August 25, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking about the loss of my mother a lot lately. She died in August, so no wonder. This time of year, her absence is particularly palpable. She’s been gone 33 years and I’ve never gotten over her death. I don’t feel at peace about it. I feel a missing part, a vacuum where she should be. I rail at the universe for a life without her. I’m…

Filed Under: Widowed Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow blogger

I Never Dream

August 18, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

I never dream about Dave. This doesn’t make sense to me. He was the most important person in my life for 15 years. We were so close and we spent so much time together. Where is he in my dreams? I dream of people who’ve barely been in my life at all instead. I have stress dreams about teaching like I used to have every late summer as fall…

Filed Under: Widowed Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow blogger, widow dreams

Compounding

August 11, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

In the car the other day an Iron and Wine song came on. I’ve never paid attention to the lyrics before but suddenly, they penetrated and I heard them for the first time. It’s not a new topic for a song: a soldier at war, missing his wife and kid and finally coming home. However, I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end…And I want to see my…

Filed Under: Widowed Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow trigger

What now?

August 4, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

My brain is still more disorganized than it was before Dave died. I marvel in an almost morbid way, at the dementia-like symptoms I still exhibit. They’d be funny if they weren’t so embarrassing and worrisome. I wish I could laugh them off but I feel shame about them. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m in a state of mild…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Emotions Tagged With: young widow, widow, cassie deitz, widow blogger, widow brain

Identities

July 28, 2014 by Cassie Deitz Leave a Comment

  I had a session with my beloved therapist the other day. I filled her in on what had happened since I’d last seen her and then she said “What do you think about coming to see me? Do you think you’re ready for a break?” and it was as if I’d expected her to ask me.I was only slightly hesitant to say yes. She asked me what came up for me as I’d…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Therapy Tagged With: moving forward, widowed perspective, cassie deitz, widow identity, ending therapy, permission to heal, more than the loss, young widow, widowed guilt

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