It’s turned out, for me, to be all about the hair. I didn’t intend it to play out like this; it just has. Shortly after Chuck died, I cut my hair off to the scalp. Short, short, short. First scissors then a razor. It was done in a violent manner, in a way that I hoped would allow me to release some of the devastating pain of his forever…
widowed missing him
Left Behind
Two years ago, on November 17th, my husband and I were getting married. It was a chilly autumn day, and the rain paused long enough for us to gather at the registry office in New Mills for our simple, beautiful ceremony. Later, we brought close friends and family to our local pub, The Beehive, for a reception and delicious dinner. No one from…
That Which Doesn’t Kill Me
Yesterday was one of those days in this after life that was both incredible and heartbreaking all at once. Earlier this year, I started going to the gym and took up Crossfit to try and get into shape. I hadn’t done anything for over a year since he died and was really out of shape. Not to mention I’ve never really been athletic my entire adult…
Wish You Were Here, Uncle Dan
My usually quiet, peaceful and tidy sanctuary of a home has been turned in to a messy playground for two boisterous little boys this weekend… and I’ver never been happier to have my orderly life turned up-side-down. You see, Dan’s sister is visiting from interstate with her husband and two young boys, aged two and four, and it’s just been…
On This Day
I don’t know what makes one day, one moment, more impossible than another. Grief is just that way. For me, it isn’t a matter of grief suddenly showing itself; it’s more a matter of at any one moment I’m better able to keep it under my skin as opposed to right on top. It isn’t less or more than; it’s just under or on top of. Today,…
Next and Next and Stop
Mostly, I stay in the here and now. Who can bear to even imagine 24 hours from now? So I focus my eyes right in front of me, the next step, the next mile. 18 months and a couple weeks since Chuck’s death and I still look down at my feet to see where they are and I stay there. Mostly. I’m in Key West right now, with my daughter, as I…
My Mind’s Eye
Sometimes I’d swear Mike is here with me. I keep getting the sensation of his presence…or maybe, my mind and heart are just working overtime to remember. To remember how it felt when he was in the room with me. The sound of his breath, his footsteps…how he looked, the familiar freckles on his forearms, his latest mustache creation, his…
Getting My Feet Wet
I’m struggling tonight. A mix of emotions are coursing through my veins… as is always the case with anything new on this journey. Why does every single new thing have to pull at my gut with uneasiness for the fact that he is not here? *sigh*Today my Crossfit class had a water workout at the lake. Swimming, kayaking, lots of hard work and fun.
Fitting Two Worlds Together
“It’s a new dawn It’s a new day It’s a new life For me And I’m feeling good” Don’t we ALL wish it was that simple?? Since coming home from my trip to Hawaii a few weeks ago, things have been rough. I wrote a post here trying to glean some of the positives from everything as of late – but really what I think I need to talk about is how freaking…
I Miss You
Sometimes the English language feels so inadequate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve said ‘I miss him’ in the past 11 months since my husband passed away. But each time I say it, I find myself thinking that these three words just aren’t enough to fully capture the ache that is tearing at my body, mind and soul. ‘I miss…
A Beautiful Day
This week brought with it a major milestone – my first wedding anniversary. A special day that I should have been celebrating with my darling but, instead, had to spend alone, as his widow. I’ve had a pretty busy few weeks so even though I knew it was looming, the reality of the day really snuck up on me. One year ago I married the man of my…
It’s Only Love. Or Grief. Or Love.
I’m near the end of the first month in the second year since my husband Chuck died. The nights and the days blend one into the other. When people ask me how I’m doing, I ask them in return if they want to hear the polite answer or the real answer. That’s pretty polite of me to ask that of them, isn’t it? I’ve run out of words to describe how…