…… that describes what I am. Much better than the old, much-hated word. I think it’s very interesting that the hatred of that word is almost universal. Men hate it as much as women do. The word? Any version of “widow”. Did you hate that word when you first found yourself described as one? I can remember the first time I heard it …… the…
janine eggers
The Before Me vs….
…. the “Before Me”. We all know that we are changed after the death of our spouse. We are changed because of the death of our spouse and everything that follows in its wake. But how am I different now? How is the “After Janine” different from the “Before Janine”? Let me count the ways …..1. I am less naive. I know, really know, that…
The People I Love…
…… have grown in numbers over the past 6 years. Some people have faded from my life. Some have stayed. Some came in during my “after”. And those have never left. I doubt that they ever will. This past weekend I spent time with 8 of these people. They are 8 of the most amazing women I know. And 8 women that I’m proud, and so very grateful, to…
Another birthday…
…… remembered, but not celebrated. Jim would’ve been 54 today (as I write this it’s Tuesday night). Instead, he’s forever 47. And that sucks. In more ways than one. I hate that his birthday is so close to Christmas …… which is so close to the day he died. This time of the year can be one onslaught after another. And yes, it still brings…
New Year’s Resolutions….
…… whatever. I don’t have any resolutions. I wish that I could say that’s because Jim died 6 years ago. But I didn’t make resolutions before that. I tried, for years …… really. But I found that most years, I failed at whatever it was. Maybe I set the bar too high. Most likely I set the bar too high. But one year I just gave them up.For me,…
The Ghost Writer….
…… of Christmas Past. I know that most of you out there wish this day was just an ordinary day. Just the 25th day of December, no more, no less.Actually, I know that most of you wish that you could’ve fallen asleep around December 22nd or so and stayed asleep until January 2nd. Or February 15th.I get that.All too well.In honor of all of us,…
Wistful…..
…… is probably the best way to describe how I am feeling today, the day that marks the sixth year since Jim died. It also happens to be the birthday of my sister, my brother and my step-dad. Which totally sucked for them 6 years ago. I hope it sucks less now. I’m at a good point in my life, and yet …… …… I miss him. So very much.I’m…
Tears Amongst Happiness ……
….. is what I’ve experienced this week. Yes, this is the time of year when I usually experience my annual “death march”. The time that my body marks, better than any earthly calendar. The days leading up to Jim’s unexpected death on December 18, 2007. This has been a good year. In many ways. And yet, it seems unbelievable that I am coming…
Life Does NOT Look ……
…… the way I expected it to look …… 6 years ago. Six years ago he was still alive. Although for only 14 more days, unbeknownst to any of us. Over the years, I remember looking at people I knew, who had lost their spouse, and wondering, “What were they thinking 24 hours before?” Seriously. I thought that. I wondered. I don’t…
Thankful ……
…… is not something I have felt a lot these past almost-6 years. I mean, I’ve felt it for a few things, like my children, my family and friends who were there for me when I really needed them. But it was beyond difficult to feel thankful, while at the same time not believing that Jim was dead. But this year …… this year is different. These…
Running Away ……
…… or moving forward? I could use the trite saying, “You be the judge”, but I don’t really care to hear any judgements. Go figure. I’m back in NY. The place where, at this point in my life, I love to be. The place where, at this point in my life, I feel happy. The place where, at this point in my life, I feel at home.This will be the first…
I’ve Met The Most Amazing People ……
This is a post I wrote on my blog ten months after Jim died. I thought that I’d share it with you today. I don’t go back and read most of my posts. I don’t like re-visiting that “cave”. Especially those days where that cold, inky blackness totally engulfed me, filled every pore of my body and threatened to completely suffocate me. But once…