Widow's Voice

widowed days leading to death anniversary

Year Five… It is not what you think

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Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021.  For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was looming.  This year, I don’t feel dread about his death date.  The truth is, I don’t feel anything really.  This is not easy to admit because it makes me feel like a bad widow.  It makes me feel like people will think I didn’t love him.  And, worst of all it makes me wonder if I am less devoted to him than I thought I was.  

I feel sad that I am not sad.  All these new and uncomfortable thoughts make me feel out of sorts.  I am wrestling with my emotions because I don’t feel heartbroken the way I have in years past; but, I am grateful because this is far less challenging to sort out than the raw grief I felt in other Novembers.  As I approach my fifth year without him, I don’t feel an endless longing for him anymore.  Instead, I feel a type of acceptance. 

Approaching a Year

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These past few weeks have been incredibly hard for me. I’ve been reliving what happened last year. It’s not that I welcome these thoughts, it’s that my brain keeps bringing them up. I remember the last lunch that we had as a family, just the day before my husband’s accident. I remember my daughter and I went to go have lunch with at his…

Making It To The Top

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Tomorrow, the day after this posting, marks the first anniversary of my beloved husband’s death. I can hardly believe it is true. One year. It feels like yesterday. It feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed since he died. I have done many things, in spite of my crushing grief. I have visited my home neighbourhood in Indiana, and sat with…

Where’s my death-march Gone?

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John turns 4 tomorrow.  The lead-up to his birthday has usually marked the beginning of my 4 month long death-march, as the surgery that triggered Ian’s complications and eventual death occurred just 11 days after John’s first birthday (and coincidently, John’s original due date, so 22nd February is a really solid date in my memory).  The…

Much to lose

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In less than 3 weeks, it will have been 3 years since Dave died on a heart-breakingly beautiful June day. It has been the most terrifying, wrenching, altering event of my life so far and I will spend the rest of my life dealing with it to some extent. I’m beginning to understand just how much we learn to carry our grief rather than get over it.

The Game of What If

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In just a couple weeks, I’m coming up on 3 years. That realization along with the hormones of pregnancy has really been a lethal – and emotional – combination. I found this old post from my blog that jumped out at me as something I’ve been thinking about lately and thought I would share. Maybe someone, somewhere out there might connect with this…

How Can I Ensure That December ….

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…. is a month to remember? Truth be told, it wasn’t all that difficult. All I did was agree to have surgery today. And then, to make it even MORE memorable …. I agreed to have my middle son’s wisdom teeth extracted. Today. Yes, as in …. today, the 14th of December ….. both procedures. I guess that’s one way to ring in the “death day” of my…

Tis the Season ….

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…. to be jolly. Ho, ho ….. oh whatever. I mostly loathe this Season. I really do. And that ticks me off. Because I didn’t “before”. I loved Christmas and everything it entails. It was a wonderful time of the year for me spiritually, emotionally …. the older kids came home from college for several weeks, and physically …. loved the parties,…

Sitting

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I struggle to find something of substance to talk about. Each Sunday comes around, and the awareness that my post is due by midnight is always on my mind. Usually there is something that I have been mulling over throughout the day, or something that has been with me throughout the week, that quickly becomes my post. Today I just feel empty.I’m not…

Cliff Diving

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Lately I’ve been taking some risks with my emotions. I don’t know if I’m feeling stronger, or that I am learning that memories can begin to heal me. For the longest time I didn’t look back to any of my prior writings. I put pictures and albums away, and have yet to unpack them from my move last year. Yet, in the last week I have begun opening some…

Parenthesis, year 4

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***If you’re reading this, it is officially May 21st, 2011. The four year angel-versary of my love. I’m writing this a week in advance, and hopefully have succeeded in doing my fourth skydive jump on the 20th (If I don’t blog next week, I’ll tell all your loves “hello” ;D ). This has become an annual event for the military widows of our…

Maggie’s Angel Day v2.0

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Maggie and I loved to travel and we made a great travel team. One of our favorite activities was hangin’ with the locals in local restaurants and pubs. I was the shy one. She, however, met no one but friends. One evening, somewhere in Greece, Spain, Italy, Mexico, New Orleans or somewhere else, we were chatting it up with one of the locals.