Quite early on in this widowed life, as I went out on the road and realized that I didn’t recognize myself or my life in any way since the night of April 21… I remember thinking to myself…though it was more in the way of torturing myself…with the thought… What if Chuck were to come back to life? Would he recognize me? How could he possibly…
Long Term Illness
The Universe, Wherever I Am~
I spent last weekend, starting on Thursday, at a rally for people who own T@b trailers, as I do. My little rig has been my home on the road in the years since Chuck’s death. It’s tiny in every way, but still has a surprising amount of room inside of it, for me and for storage. I’m 5’1 and it gives me a little bit of clearance over my head. I can…
I Thought of You~
I thought of you last night. One night among all the thousands of nights that have passed since your hand last grasped mine, As we lay next to each other in the dark. I thought of your breath Your arms braced As you raised yourself above me, The passion in your eyes A mere reflection of mine. Our bodies sweaty and slick As we moved this way and…
Current State…Confusion~
I’ve reached a major point along this widowhood road. Arrived, so to speak. At least, in my mind, I have. I’m in the state of Confusion. And I’m kind of okay with it, in the midst of nothing being okay any longer. I’m not fighting any emotion that comes my way. Good, bad, indifferent and everything in between.I picture myself, at times, as one of…
My Time in a Bottle~
This is the eve of what the world celebrates as New Year’s. But, since Time has ceased to hold any meaning for me since Chuck’s death, I’ve taken it upon myself to designate my New Year as beginning on April 21; the anniversary of Chuck’s death. That’s the time when I reflect on whatever needs reflecting upon. It’s when I do a self-check, and it’s…
Sublime and Surreal~
My brain and body…both are too tired to string together too many sentences. I say too tired, but it isn’t from tiredness really, as much as it is a whole lot of stimulation in the past few days. My mom used to say that stress happens with good and bad things both. That our body feels it as stress whatever it is. This has been good stress in the…
And So it Begins~
I’ve been sewing and gluing all day long. Tomorrow will be more of the same. On Thursday I’ll run last minute errands and then hitch my rig, PinkMagic, to my pink car. Very early Friday morning I’ll meet my film team and we’ll head first to Sedona AZ and then Zion Nat’l Park in Utah. The time has come, as the walrus said…This weekend my team and…
Raise Your Hand~
I thought about reposting my WV blog from 2015 for this week. Because I pretty much feel the same way, regarding the holidays. Except worse. As a 6 1/2 year veteran of this wid life, I kind of hate owning up to how difficult this all is for me still. I don’t want to scare those of you who are just stepping out onto the road. But I also feel the…
Word Confusion~
We each define this widowed walk for ourselves, of course. The grief we carry is as individual as a thumb print, we’re told. Which makes sense, of course. For myself, I’ve never used the word lost to describe this grief. Being lost implies to me that I have a destination in mind. An end point. And I don’t.My words to describe this have been…
What Now?…
This blog is a question for the Universe, I suppose. Because I don’t believe that there is a human alive, who has gone through this widowed life, who would have a ready answer for me. I’ve stood in the middle of nowhere and cast my eyes up into azure blue skies… I’ve stood outside on the darkest of dark nights with no light pollution around and…
Wispy Love~
Whispers of you and I Echo in each pulse beat that brings life to my body. Reminders. Memories. Joy. Passion. So much Love. Each remembrance leads me into one room, then another. Each room crafted in the beauty of who we were, When you and I were a we. Shadowed corners that taunt me With your gone-ness. Your missing-ness. My emptiness. How is…
I Didn’t Die
So, Sarah wrote last week about my leaving for a work trip. It was the first time I have done so since we’ve met. Sure, I’ve left for a day or two here and there to go backpacking, but being required by my job to board a jet to Chicago for three days is, quite obviously, a bit more of a trigger for her. Especially when it’s a trigger…