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Transformation

Posted on: March 7, 2023 | Posted by: Kathie Neff

Days of the “goo” were common, in the first days of grief in spring 2021. Goo refers to what happens to caterpillars after they close themselves up in a cocoon. They liquify and live in the liminal space of “no longer this” and “not yet that” — I relate to those words.

The transformation that happens in grief reminds me of the process of a caterpillar.

Early on, things felt as if they were moving in slow motion.

In the early days, uncertainty prevailed. Like this little guy, I would eat and sleep. Not much more than that.

green caterpillar with red stripes crawling up a branch
Image courtesy of Erik Karits via unsplash.com

At times, I shut myself off from others

Closing in, I inhabited a space of my own where nothing was required of me. It may have included a book, or streaming a show or movie. More often than not I waited for the sun to go down so I could hit the sack.

Is it time to sleep yet?

butterfly chrysalis
Image courtesy of Joshua J. Cotten via unsplash.com

Eventually, I gained more energy.

I could plan something and show up. Or begin a project and possibly lose track of time — known as play — as creativity’s reliable gift.

Bit by bit, I pulled out of my cocoon and engaged in the world more. A bit exhausting for sure, but it became easier with time.

butterfly exiting chrysalis
Image courtesy of Joshua J. Cotten via unsplash.com

One part of my journey is not shown in visuals.

For me, after I came out of the chrysalis, sometimes I would go back in again.

 

wild sunflower heated by the sun
Image courtesy of Sunrise Map Logs

There are no photos showing butterflies doing this.

Perhaps it is just widowed folk who know how to return to the cocoon time and again like introverted butterflies.

Eventually, getting out into the wide world a bit happened. Maybe through an event…someone’s birthday or an invite to a picnic.

As I move into year three I see myself out in the wide world more, and less stressed than I was in the beginning. Less often doubting myself or wondering what I should be doing.

I’m more comfortable in the present moment.

Red-Orange butterfly cruising over purple plants
Photo Credit: Gary Bendig @kris_ricepees
via Unsplash

As I review the images, it feels like each of the stages of transformation could be re-visited. I can turn into goo again, close up in myself, and emerge again.

Perhaps transformation comes in cycles. You make progress and then retreat—each time finding your way out just a little further than the last time.

An exercise in courage.

An exercise in curiosity.

An exercise in choosing life.

Categories: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions

About Kathie Neff

Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.

Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.

Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.

Long live love. XO

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