Next week I am flying interstate to visit another widow who has become my grief sister. I have been so excited for this trip, and I still cannot wait to see her. But this morning when I woke, for the first time in a while, I woke full of fear. I woke and wished that John was coming with me. I wished I could join him. And for the most part since I…
Who will never forget you?
Most will forget the way you wore your hair and your favourite items of clothing. They will forget your tattoos and the way you smelt when you drenched yourself in cologne or perfume. They will forget the way you walked, the way your body moved among theirs, they will forget your movements. Yes, all of your mannerisms. They will forget the sound of…
Pieces of Her
Heartache she can feel not just in her bones but within every inch of herself. Pulsing through her like rapids over a fall. A heaviness that holds her heart with every thought of loss and of love and the thoughts can be so consuming. Love is glorious, beautiful and healing, to lose love is the painful part. Memories, she replays. Sweet, soft and…
Time Waits For No One
18 Months. 564 days. A year and a half has now passed by without him. It doesn’t feel like that long ago, but then again it does. Some days it feels like yesterday that we were sharing kisses. Other days our life feels like a sweet distant and faint memory. Some days it’s not real at all, as though we just lost contact somewhere along the way.
Its Not Easy
On mother’s day just past I spent an hour trying to calm my three year old daughter because she didn’t want to get out of the shower. It was a huge tantrum that left the both of us floored and in tears. Admittedly for a while after John passed I let her walk all over me because I didn’t have the energy for a tantrum if she didn’t get her…
Triggers
I am strong, but I am also fragile. My heart feels as though it’s in ever changing pieces, but full at the same time. I am terrified of love, but long for its place in my life again. I am very self-assured but insecure of life around me. Because there are no guarantees and no promises. I make progress daily through this heart ache and take steps…
You’re Not Here
I am only human. Although I know this life is so much bigger than me, the pain still takes a hold of me while you’re not here. Defeated I feel at times, in need of inspiration. In need of you, our love and your strength. Infuriated, devastated and heart broken. You promised you would protect my heart but it’s shattered. The one person I…
The Day You Died,
I recently read a well written piece called “On the day I die” I thought it was beautiful, it resonated with me and gave me inspiration for my own piece of writing. The day you died, I knew you were gone but I waited for you. In a haze of disbelief and shock I waited for you to walk up to me. Minutes and hours ticked over with family and…
That Polo Shirt
Its sixteen months into this new life and like all others on this journey I’ve taken many steps forward and many steps back. A couple of months ago making the decision that I would prepare myself to put John’s clothes away. I decided to give myself a timeline of two months to do this. During this two month timeline there were days that I felt…
Imagination
Imagine if every time we fell asleep we found ourselves in a dream with them. Where we could still be with them, living as though nothing had changed. No fear of falling asleep but rather looking forward to slumber. They still breathe, but only in your dreams. Would it be enough? Recreating their lives, your lives together. Purely with your…
To live
Grieving for your soul mate, your partner, the love of your life. Grieving a life lived past, grieving the present moment without them and grieving the loss of a future that will never be lived. The word grief as we know, is not enough to explain it. The pain of grief being unimaginable until it casts itself as a dark ever shadowing cloud in your…
Grieving Language Without Words
Around two weeks before John passed away we went together as a family to look at a new child care, closer to home to enrol my daughter Layla in. At the time she was attending a home childcare that had become like a family to her but they were over half an hour drive away from where we lived and where I work. We had decided to enrol her to begin the…