Grieving for your soul mate, your partner, the love of your life. Grieving a life lived past, grieving the present moment without them and grieving the loss of a future that will never be lived. The word grief as we know, is not enough to explain it. The pain of grief being unimaginable until it casts itself as a dark ever shadowing cloud in your once happy life.
With what I am about to say next many of you may stop reading this post and that’s perfectly okay. It took me a while to reach this point to say it out loud, but worse it came by hearing of another’s grief, not grief for their partner but rather grief for their own life.
I am fortunate, I am lucky and I am grateful for my life. Not for the loss or the grief that is all-consuming but for my life in general. For the chance to be alive. To breathe, to witness, to participate, to love, to live. For so long I resented having children. All I wanted was to end my life here and begin the next with him. In attempt to write my suicide letter, I thought to write letters to my daughter for her to read as she grew up. A letter for her relationship troubles, for her wedding day, for the birth of her first child. With writing those letters and thinking of all the things she would miss out on sharing with me I couldn’t go through with it. So I resented her. Not that I ever allowed her to see my resentment, but it was there. Present with every smile from her, with every tear, with every tantrum and every time she said I love you.
Once I became accepting of the fact that I could not leave here just yet, I wrote to her of my letters that will remain forever lost.
Lost Letters,
Look to the sun when this heartache caresses your bones
As the wind touches your cheeks, know I have found home
My soul is at peace, I don’t want you to cry
Its dancing with his, so I want you to smile
Weightless in his embrace, the longing has gone
The shadows have lifted, I’d been waiting so long
Let light lift your spirit, I want you to live
Stretch your horizon wider, than I ever did
When this time comes which will not be too soon
Fill the void with grand love, like the love I have for you
Without any awareness, your little life saved mine
The beat of your heart, draws out my time
Her life gave my life a second chance and now I can say with strength and conviction I’m so very grateful for that chance.
Grateful to know the value of life. Too have the ability to completely live in a moment, to consciously cherish each and every second that I am blessed to share with my loved ones. Appreciating every smile, every hug, every tantrum, every tear because all those simple things come from love and that love gives us great strength.
Recently an important person in my life came to me and shared with me the devastating news that she may only have a few years left here. She choked back tears and a desperate pain crossed her face as tears fell uncontrollably. I remember seeing that same look on my own face. Wanting to scream, wanting someone to fix it, to take away the pain. The following words passed her lips “I don’t want to die”. With that moment came the gratitude for my life. For the fact that I have a choice in the matter. Just eight months ago I sat, choking back those same tears, consumed with that same desperate pain but the words I spoke were “I want to die”.
Two months ago one of my dearest friends who is also widowed flew interstate to visit me for my birthday. While she was here we shared dry cold humour that comes with widowed life and the attitude of not caring about whether we live or die. Together we made a promise that neither of us would commit suicide. To anyone who doesn’t know grief our promise may seem absurd, but to each other it was a statement to our strength. A promise “to live” written in ink on each of our bodies.
Not only is it a promise to stay alive, it is a promise to really live life, to love life again.
Today I feel lucky to be here. Blessed to be here and that is the truth. Strive not to allow grief to take your life as well as your loved ones, tell yourself you are blessed to still be breathing, to have that chance, whether you are happy about living or not, be grateful that you have that choice. What I thought I could give up to join him, now I wouldn’t trade for the world. I know he doesn’t miss out on a single moment in my life, I just miss out on sharing it with him. That is the price of love.