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Beginnings Revisited

Beginnings Revisited

I did not die.

And, neither did you. 

I am still breathing. 

And, so are you.

It's that plain. 

I can make his death as complicated as I want to, but really it is simple. 

Mike died. ...

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The Memory Bank

The Memory Bank

It all adds up doesn’t it? I’ve had days where it’s one bad thing again and again. I couldn’t catch a break. Life seems so tough when I’m right in the middle of the storm. I used to dwell on...

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Winter Doldrums

Winter Doldrums

                                  Mid-January. I can count on consistent cold for at least another couple of months. My rational mind knows better, but I sometimes wonder whether the sun...

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Be Brave

Be Brave

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. Bear Grylls Experiencing loss in the time of Covid is complicated. Times like these require some...

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2022 is the year of….Lovely Work

2022 is the year of….Lovely Work

Image by Jen Theodore on Unsplash We are far enough into January now to no longer be seeing quite so many stories of New Year’s Resolutions. What a relief. I can better tolerate stories of New Year’s...

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A Grief of My Own – 2022 Addendum

A Grief of My Own – 2022 Addendum

I wrote the original blog in August of 2020 and a lot has changed in my life since then, but this blog is still so very relevant.  I have added my current thoughts into the original piece to highlight...

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Loving him was red.

Loving him was red.

So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together,...

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Resting in the Nest of my Grief

Resting in the Nest of my Grief

Not much to report from Widow Neff this week. Last week’s post published on Wednesday followed by a positive PCR test arriving to me the day after. By then, I mostly felt better, but the official...

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“Go Get Yourself A Bigger Problem”

“Go Get Yourself A Bigger Problem”

Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...

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Filtering Out the Fiction

Filtering Out the Fiction

Moving from the apartment where I became widowed has had a lot of competing emotions. Taking down the photos that Clayton hung up and seeing just my dog Roan standing in our empty apartment hit me hard...

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The More Things Change…

The More Things Change…

My first email of 2022 contained the subject line, “Greetings from Lee.”  In her email, Lee apologized for not previously sending along certain linked photographs. Of course, I highly doubted this...

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We All Know

We All Know

the Mild Misery of the Common Cold Dare I go on? Or shall I put a sign up that says Closed by a Cold with images of innumerable tissues used throughout the night and thrown onto my bed, doubling for a...

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Newly Widowed

Be Brave

Be Brave

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. Bear Grylls Experiencing loss in the time of Covid is complicated. Times like these require some...

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Resting in the Nest of my Grief

Resting in the Nest of my Grief

Not much to report from Widow Neff this week. Last week’s post published on Wednesday followed by a positive PCR test arriving to me the day after. By then, I mostly felt better, but the official...

Read More

We All Know

We All Know

the Mild Misery of the Common Cold Dare I go on? Or shall I put a sign up that says Closed by a Cold with images of innumerable tissues used throughout the night and thrown onto my bed, doubling for a...

Read More

A STRONG PRESENCE

A STRONG PRESENCE

. . and a Christmas Story The longer I live the more I realize how different we are as humans. What matters to one is barely a blip on the radar screen to another. What one treasures can be opposite...

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NEARING YEAR’S END

NEARING YEAR’S END

Noticing the Passing of Time Frost is something that we take notice of when it arrives to our Southern California neighborhood. Many winters come and go without so much as an icy car windshield at year’s...

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AND THIS HAPPENED

AND THIS HAPPENED

AS TIME MARCHES ON The sun rises each day and the moon climbs high at night, marking the passing of time. It has been 243 days and so many things have happened since Dan died. Days, weeks, and months pass...

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Today I am thinking about us . . .

Today I am thinking about us . . .

. . and horses . . . I surprised myself the other day at how emotional I got about recalling how much horses taught me about life and living. A friend posted a lovely story about mares….how they...

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One of the many places . . .

One of the many places . . .

. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...

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GRATEFUL

GRATEFUL

A PHOTO JOURNAL OF GRATITUDE On the day before a long past Thanksgiving, after a days-long vigil, my dearest Auntie Martha passed away in a hospital bed set up in her room with her best friend of sixty-plus...

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CAN IT BE POSSIBLE . . .

CAN IT BE POSSIBLE . . .

. . THAT OUR SONG BEGINS AGAIN?   Adjusting to a daily work schedule, a new work environment, and an entirely new set of applications and procedures left me distracted enough this week that I forgot...

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WE CELEBRATE DIA DE LOS MUERTOS

WE CELEBRATE DIA DE LOS MUERTOS

IN HONOR OF OUR BELOVED DEAD Lady La Muerte The Lady La Muerte arrives in her finest gown Covered with butterflies, up and down; her dress the color of la muerte; her hat needs the bull fighter’s...

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i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me

i carry it in my heart . . .   after e.e. cummings poem   i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,  my dear) e.e. cummings     i...

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Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits Interational

Soaring Spirits builds community. We create, and maintain, innovative peer-based grief support programs for widowed men and women that serve a worldwide population. Based on the powerful connections created by shared experience, we endeavor to ensure that no one need grieve alone.

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One of the Best Things

One of the Best Things

Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...

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A Very Covid Christmas

A Very Covid Christmas

I celebrated Thanksgiving with Robyn and her brood, but assured Lee’s brother, Paul, that I would be celebrating Christmas with him and his family.  Neither Robyn nor I celebrate Christmas as a matter...

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Flowering Unapologetically

Flowering Unapologetically

Image on Unsplash by Roksolana Zasiadko  I am a subscriber to Megan Devine’s weekly and monthly writing prompts. I always read them, even if I don’t often write into them. But this week I want to...

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A Change of Address

A Change of Address

I’ve lived at my apartment for almost 6 years and alone in it without Clayton for almost 4 years. I am 100% full accepting that I’ve stayed in “our” apartment to press pause on parts of my life...

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Sharing My Scare

Sharing My Scare

I am very open about my life, my grief journey, my faults and my growth. This week I hesitated to talk about something because I was very scared. I had to go to the doctor for something I noticed a while...

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Dimes and Change

Dimes and Change

Yesterday, the new man in my life was packing up our vehicles while I was tidying up and readying the house to leave.  While he was outside, I went about gathering together an assortment of our things...

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Holiday Apologies – Dusting the Grief Off the Garland

Holiday Apologies – Dusting the Grief Off the Garland

An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...

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Fly me to the Moon

Fly me to the Moon

For years, I asked a lot of the moon. Every.single.night I stood outside and searched the night sky for traces of him. I stood and waited to feel him. I searched the night for him because I thought my...

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Moments Under A Mask

Moments Under A Mask

Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded...

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Trouble in Paradise?

Trouble in Paradise?

  I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...

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Mourning and Evening Glories

Mourning and Evening Glories

Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...

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Birthdays and Beginnings

Birthdays and Beginnings

Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...

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One of the Best Things

One of the Best Things

Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...

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“Happy” New Year?

“Happy” New Year?

Well, somehow tomorrow marks a new year. If I am being honest, I do not feel cheery or happy with the ring of the new year. I feel like 2021 was just a year of surviving and getting by. My dad’s...

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A Very Covid Christmas

A Very Covid Christmas

I celebrated Thanksgiving with Robyn and her brood, but assured Lee’s brother, Paul, that I would be celebrating Christmas with him and his family.  Neither Robyn nor I celebrate Christmas as a matter...

Read More

A STRONG PRESENCE

A STRONG PRESENCE

. . and a Christmas Story The longer I live the more I realize how different we are as humans. What matters to one is barely a blip on the radar screen to another. What one treasures can be opposite...

Read More

The Magic of the Season

The Magic of the Season

I remember the magic of the holidays when I was younger. Time went by at a much slower pace waiting for that one special night followed by a day of jolly and cheer. Christmas Eve we would spend with my...

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Holidays, Weddings, Pandemics, Oh My

Holidays, Weddings, Pandemics, Oh My

December is always so busy and it seems generally stressful for every human. With my grief in the mix, it is anxiety-filled with moments of deep sadness and holiday blues. Now add caregiving for my dad...

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Holiday Apologies – Dusting the Grief Off the Garland

Holiday Apologies – Dusting the Grief Off the Garland

An Open Letter to the Holidays… Dear Holidays, As you know, the past 4 years I’ve been trying to figure out life without Clayton. He was always here when you arrived so after he died I couldn’t handle...

Read More

One of the many places . . .

One of the many places . . .

. . he is missing It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad,...

Read More

Grief in the Gravy

Grief in the Gravy

Part of moving forward is reflecting. This past Thursday was the 4th Thanksgiving without Clayton. I feel very different versus 2 years ago and I think that is important to share as I continue to grow...

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Trouble in Paradise?

Trouble in Paradise?

  I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this...

Read More

Courage, Trust and Hope

Courage, Trust and Hope

Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming...

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I am beginning to see what you’ve lost

I am beginning to see what you’ve lost

Photo my own – Andorran Pyrenees I am just back from three weeks holidays spent with Medjool. It’s been lovely. Refreshing. Renewing. Most of the time we were walking in the Pyrenees, east to west,...

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Camp Widow®

Camp Widow®

Camp Widow® is a unique and incredible experience. This program provides both practical tools and relevant resources for widowed persons rebuilding their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or partner.

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Beginnings Revisited

Beginnings Revisited

I did not die.

And, neither did you. 

I am still breathing. 

And, so are you.

It's that plain. 

I can make his death as complicated as I want to, but really it is simple. 

Mike died. ...

Read More

The Memory Bank

The Memory Bank

It all adds up doesn’t it? I’ve had days where it’s one bad thing again and again. I couldn’t catch a break. Life seems so tough when I’m right in the middle of the storm. I used to dwell on...

Read More

Winter Doldrums

Winter Doldrums

                                  Mid-January. I can count on consistent cold for at least another couple of months. My rational mind knows better, but I sometimes wonder whether the sun...

Read More

Be Brave

Be Brave

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. Bear Grylls Experiencing loss in the time of Covid is complicated. Times like these require some...

Read More

A Grief of My Own – 2022 Addendum

A Grief of My Own – 2022 Addendum

I wrote the original blog in August of 2020 and a lot has changed in my life since then, but this blog is still so very relevant.  I have added my current thoughts into the original piece to highlight...

Read More

Loving him was red.

Loving him was red.

So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together,...

Read More

Resting in the Nest of my Grief

Resting in the Nest of my Grief

Not much to report from Widow Neff this week. Last week’s post published on Wednesday followed by a positive PCR test arriving to me the day after. By then, I mostly felt better, but the official...

Read More

“Go Get Yourself A Bigger Problem”

“Go Get Yourself A Bigger Problem”

Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...

Read More

Filtering Out the Fiction

Filtering Out the Fiction

Moving from the apartment where I became widowed has had a lot of competing emotions. Taking down the photos that Clayton hung up and seeing just my dog Roan standing in our empty apartment hit me hard...

Read More

The More Things Change…

The More Things Change…

My first email of 2022 contained the subject line, “Greetings from Lee.”  In her email, Lee apologized for not previously sending along certain linked photographs. Of course, I highly doubted this...

Read More

One of the Best Things

One of the Best Things

Photos my own these past days So Christmas and New Year have been okay. Better than okay. Moments that were really hard, of course; but more moments that have been really enjoyable. Ben and Megan came...

Read More

A Flight of Stairs

A Flight of Stairs

Almost six years ago and three flights of stairs up, we thought our new apartment in this little beach down was part of Heaven. For 8 months I helped you walk up and down these stairs until up was to hard...

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“Go Get Yourself A Bigger Problem”

“Go Get Yourself A Bigger Problem”

Photos by my friend Jane del Pozo Back in the early 1990s, I worked for a couple of years post-Masters, in a small consulting firm of organisational psychologists in Cambridge. One of my colleagues –...

Read More

Today I have lived 20,000 days

Today I have lived 20,000 days

Picture by Debby Hudson on Unsplash I know, notice, or choose to find out, the weirdest things about dates and days. I love number patterns. I love that my birthday is 270367 and Mike’s is 270763. Same...

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REMEMBERING NOT TO FORGET

REMEMBERING NOT TO FORGET

So yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Don proposed to me under the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in NYC. I share this milestone date with a dear widow friend who lives in NYC, and the “crapaversary”...

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Mourning and Evening Glories

Mourning and Evening Glories

Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning...

Read More

Birthdays and Beginnings

Birthdays and Beginnings

Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I...

Read More

Year Five…  It is not what you think

Year Five… It is not what you think

Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021.  For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was...

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Falling into my Own Life…

Falling into my Own Life…

I wrote this one year ago.  It is amazing how in a year so much can change in a person’s life.  I will explain in an addendum that follows. ~S.   I realize that I may always “fall” when...

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Louder

Louder

Grief has a timeline of it’s own.  For me, my grief only receded into the background when I started to genuinely LIVE more.   I often say that “My Grief got “softer” when my Life got louder”. ...

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9/11 Memories, Appreciation and Honouring

9/11 Memories, Appreciation and Honouring

Written on 11 September 2021 Main image by Jesper Blijdestein on Unsplash 9/11. Nine-Eleven trips off the tongue. It means September 11th 2001. Even to Brits, who would otherwise say 11th of September...

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The weight of time.

The weight of time.

This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving...

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The Day After

The Day After

On July 25, 2008, Boris and I went to the beach. It was pretty romantic (as romantic as 17-year olds can be). We kissed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’d been friends for a couple of years...

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Commemobrating

Commemobrating

Photos my own I survived last week. I survived 30 June and 1 July. I survived the two year “deathiversary” of Julia’s death. Forever split across a date line, two days of the week, two dates, two...

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The Widowed Resilience Scale

The Widowed Resilience Scale

Resilience is defined as the ability to ‘bounce back’ or recover from a traumatic life event or circumstance. According to the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Scale widowhood rates as one of life’s most challenging experiences. This fact has driven the desire to study resilience in widowhood and identify the ways in which resilience can be built in men and women who have experienced conjugal loss.

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Featured Author

Meet this weeks Widow's Voice author.

Emma Pearson

Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British

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