I’ve had very few visitors since Tin passed away. I don’t know if the reason is avoidance, being unsure of how I’ll be with guests or just that life goes on and we become too busy for the little things. Approaching the first anniversary of Tin’s passing, as the warmer month’s and spring break approaches, I’m starting to get the calls…
widowed fears
Accepting Fear
Last week, I wrote about dealing with fear. More specifically, the fear of more bad things happening. Of the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it’s normal when you’ve experienced any major loss to begin to fear another one coming. So for the past six months or so, I’ve been having an increasingly big fear of someone else…
Trauma Triggers: Is This Still a Thing?
In July, it will have been 8 years since my husband’s sudden death from cardiac arrest bulldozed into my life. Eight years. There are so many days when I trick myself into thinking that Im really okay now and maybe this wont affect me anymore. And then I get knocked over by something such as this ……. On Wednesday, I went to the gym…
Dealing with Fear
This past six months or so I’ve been noticing a bit of a looming feeling in the background of my mind. Things in my life are relatively dialed in for the time being. I have a new life, a family, a routine of day to day things. I have dealt with enough of the bigger stressors that I now have more time and energy to tackle and explore smaller…
Repeating Repetitive Things
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. Why did this have to happen? How do I come to a place where things make more sense? How do I blend my life today with the life I never finished? Why do I get to keep living and he doesnt? How will it ever be okay that he won’t experience new things? Will the missing of him ever get less intense? How do…
The Sting of Spring
As the first anniversary of Tin’s passing ebbs closer, I find myself at the gate to the last season of the firsts. I’ve made it through the summer days at the beach, cookouts and fireworks. I’ve made it through the changing leaves, crisp fall air and a Thanksgiving I wasn’t very thankful to experience. I’ve made it through everyone else…
Scared to Remain, Scared to Change
I have always hated change. Especially when something would change drastically or quickly, and I didnt have much choice in the matter. Like that time when I was about 7 years old and we went on a class field trip to a Maple Farm, and I somehow ended up with a gigantic ball of maple syrup in my long, curly, gorgeous hair. And then my dad, for…
Talking About Grief
I have watched loved ones turn into corpses, and, I somehow managed to survive. Being alive means I get to watch an amazing little girl grow up, but each and everyday, I daydream of what life would be like if Anisha’s mother and grandparents were still with us. I try to look on the positive—I am the ONE who gets to raise an amazing…
Love, Food and Grief
Today has been a good day so far. I love waking up and feeling passion for whatever is going to happen next in my life. Like my daughter saying, “I have a Valentine’s Day card for Dada! Here it is!” As I help my daughter get ready for school, I take a deep breath and remind myself of one simple truth; getting Anisha ready and walking…
Home is where the heart is
It’s taken me months and months to bring up the courage to go to dinner with a friend. Sounds crazy but she was Clayton’s favorite coworker and he is all we have in common. I knew it hit her hard when he passed and I knew she would want to talk about it. I guess that is just another layer of widowhood that others don’t understand – We want…
Social Media Surprises
When Tin passed away, my social media was flooded with posts and photos showing just how much he was loved and how much support I had to lean on taking my first steps on this new beach. Each day had been continued support helping me step forward and weather the waves.Over time, the posts and check-ins faded and I found myself a bit bipolar about…
Me, My Daughter and My Anger
Today is my birthday and of course I miss Natasha even more, if that’s even possible. She was always so good at arranging brunch, parties and dinners–Natasha had such a raw flair for celebrations. So, sitting across from my daughter for my birthday dinner is wonderful, but also rather quiet. Why is it just us two? This isn’t…