Well the past two weeks I have been absent from blog writing. The first anniversary of Tin’s passing was quickly approaching and I honestly was scared. Scared to think about it. Scared to talk about it. Scared that when the day came, it would make it more true. For the first few months, holidays, birthdays I felt like it was a short enough time span to still be a dream yet the passing of the first anniversary meant it really wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a nighttime nightmare. It was reality…

When your person leaves this world you will always remember the day. I have no choice but to remember and be reminded. Tin passed away on the anniversary of when we moved to our new life on the beach. This would be the start of our fourth year in our apartment but the first time I signed our lease alone.

I knew the renewal was coming. The amazing Apartment Complex Staff are extremely supportive and respectful of my loss. I set the renewal date to be just a few days before so I wouldn’t have to take care of it on April 16^th.  How fitting that tax day, April 15^th, and the most emotionally taxing day would be one following the other. April showers better bring May flowers.

With documents in hand, I arrived at my appointment in an upbeat mood. I have been very fortunate to have a full time job I love and, after Tin passed, fell into a part-time gig that provides me with support and excitement. All of my financial obligations and then some were managed. I was not worried about keeping our apartment on my own for another year. I could breathe.

I grabbed a seat and I grabbed a pen. The office assistance pulled my file and said

“I had a hard time putting this together myself so I understand if you need to do this another day.”

I cleared my throat and said:

“Nope! I’d rather get this done now.”

Or so I thought….

As we went page by page filling in simple items I turned to the last one

“Just please sign and date at the bottom.” She said reluctantly.

I breezed down the page without reading because it was now the fourth time signing and there at the bottom was two blank lines. It was the first time signing by myself. My eyes welled up and I gasped. She reiterated that “we can do this another time” but I knew I had to get it over with. So I signed and left the office.

As the fates would have it, we moved to our dream location on April 16^th. The same day two years later Clayton moved from this life. The same day three years later, I have to sign by myself. As long as I stay in our apartment, I will always have to write my signature down to stay renewing things on the day he died. It’s as if I’ve come to a forced annual binding agreement with the Universe stating I agree to the terms at hand…

“Please sign and date”