Widow's Voice

The Sting of Spring

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As the first anniversary of Tin’s passing ebbs closer, I find myself at the gate to the last season of the firsts. 

I’ve made it through the summer days at the beach, cookouts and fireworks. I’ve made it through the changing leaves, crisp fall air and a Thanksgiving I wasn’t very thankful to experience. I’ve made it through everyone else being happy through the holidays, singing carols, holding hands by the fire and kissing on New Year’s.

Spring is a double-edged sword. I want to get through it but once I’m through it the first year is passed and that makes it more real. The sting of spring is sharp as everyone else emerges from their gentle hibernation. Their grass is greener. Their breezes are warmer. Their blooming flowers smell sweeter.

In the season of rebirth and renewal, I carry on my journey not refreshed from a winter slumber but worn down from a year of emotional erosion. If we are considered a block of stone and our life experience carves our statue than grief is a widow’s weathering wind…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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