I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company.  All of us are working a side business together with a big company and doing very well.  The company had recently reached out to me and asked me to host a local event. What an honor and what an amazing time. Tin would have loved all of it.

When they left I jumped into cleaning the house and getting back into the swing of things. I finally put away the vacuum cleaner and sat down to relax. With my first deep breath I took in the surrounding quiet and I began to sob. It has become so difficult for me to slow down. It has become so difficult for me to take a time out. It has become so difficult when visitors leave because the quiet is so very lonely. The damn breaks every time and the build up sorrow spills out uncontrollably. There is nothing I can do but go with the flow of tears.

Once the tide had subsided, I shook it off and took another deep breath to seal the damn back up ready to hold back until the next cracks give way. I’m learning that I don’t take care of myself or give myself enough grace but I’m trying. Seems kind of selfish to be upset when I’m the one alive and Tin had to know every day he was going to die but I am allowed to hurt. I caved in and shut the world off for the night. I turned on my trusty diffuser and filled I with all the oils known for emotional support. I was going to pick a light-hearted fantasy movie.

Bridge to Terabithia. Hmm. I heard about the book and the fantasyland visited by a boy and girl. Sounded perfect! The storyline was a feel good coming of age that I needed with one lesson I did not anticipate. The young boy decided one day to go to a museum instead of hang out with his friend. She went to their secret magical land on her own. You needed to use a rope swing to get through the magical gate and that rope failed for the first time sending her into rain swelled river waters to drown. Upon his return he learned his person was gone and the waves of guilt hit him for going to the museum without her. We traveled with him through shock, denial, sadness and anger. I felt just like him. I felt the waters behind my damn rising faster than ever. I thought I had it under control and made it to the next scene.

In a classroom full of bullies and the “mean” teacher” this young widow was a ghost in the crowd. Behind him came a voice that tormented him for his friend’s passing and that hurt young man stood up and used all of his heartbreak to hit the boy behind him. The mean teacher reacted by yelling at the young widow and telling him to go in the hallway. I expected her to reprimand him for hitting someone but instead she took a deep slow breath, the same breath I had taken earlier and she began to speak so beautifully to him about how she understood his heartache because she had to lost her person. She too was a widow and he was suddenly not alone anymore. I couldn’t control the flood waters…

Thank You Soaring Spirits for being there for me, a terrified and heartbroken little boy who no longer feels alone after losing my person…