I miss him all the time, but right now with all the uncertainty in the world I feel even more alone because of his absence. The truth is, Mike would have loved being quarantined with me. And, I would have liked it too. Like always, we would have made the best of it together. The other day, as I wandered aimlessly through the grocery store, I wished Mike was there with me. He’d have made me laugh. He’d even have made shopping during the Coronavirus “fun” because he’d be saying all sorts of goofy things to me as we walked through the dishevelled aisles.
Widowed
Gravely Grateful
“I wished he was dead!” she said. “I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction. The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how […]
In Sickness and In Health
Over the 19-months since she died, I have thought a lot about the vows we took. It was not easy, but I stuck by them as did many of the widows and widowers I have met in the time since I became one.
I took my vows seriously. Especially, the “in sickness and in health. Til death do us part” bit. All of us who have been widowed likely did the same.
For me, it is hard to remember times when she wasn’t sick–or at least had not already been sick. We used to joke about how all I wanted was to have a simple life, but wanted to drive a really nice car. Suzanne would always say, “Well, you always wanted to drive a Ferrari. You never realized you married one…”
Tracing Time~
My fingers glance gently over the clocks in the hall,
Measuring time that carries no meaning.
My slippered feet wander past rooms of memory.
Tu me manques
In French, rather than saying “I miss you” they say, “tu me manques” which means, “you are missing from me”. This phrase accurately describes what I feel. Mike is missing from me. My latest fear is that there is no end to the soul crushing “missingness” that curses through me. I am over three years […]
Arriving in Community
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]
On Shaky Ground
This will be a short one, because Im in the middle of moving for the next 2 weeks, and sending my boyfriend away for 2 weeks (long story), and working a kagillion hours with all my real estate transactions to try and survive and pay bills and rent and still have SOME time in my […]
Friends
When I became a widower, I was hopelessly lost. My senses went into overdrive and my feelings were so intense and alien to me, I was in a complete state pf panic and a total fog. It felt like I was in a freefall.
The saving grace were the friends and family that showed up for me in that moment.
Nothin’ but Love~
I frequently remind myself of Christina Rasmussen’s words…
You can do the impossible, because you have been through the unimaginable.
Picking at Grief Scabs
February is weird. Always slightly off. As a kid, I found it weird that there were only 28 days in the month. Then 29 days just as we were getting used to the 28 day pattern. I wondered in awe at the brilliance of the scientists from so long ago who figured out that we […]
I Forgot…
In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it. We keep track of dates. We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately attempt rough calculations – in our heads – regarding random dates and their deadness. We complete these elaborate calculations involving […]
Quagmire
Sunshine and mild temperatures don’t mean that the worst is over…they simply mean that the weather that will floor you comes from the ground up.