Widow's Voice

Widowed

Yard Work in Progress

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This blog features my tantrum against his death, and that’s okay because life isn’t always wonderful.  Sometimes it’s cruddy and messy.  Sometimes life is a work in progress.  And, sometimes, big lessons are learned while you roll up your sleeves and get dirty doing something very ordinary like yard work.  This is what happened today.

Grief and yard work are both labour intensive and each thing demands your attention at various times.  On Sunday, I gave both the yard and my grief the time they demanded and I’m better for it.

The Power of Your Name

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Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For […]

Weeds

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This week, I spent a couple of mornings outside in my yard using a weed eater to knock down some of the weeds that have been growing rapidly after lots of rain here in San Diego County over the last few weeks. Weed eating is hard work. Not that I am afraid or don’t like to do hard work, but it is very tiring.

What struck me is that a couple of weeks ago, I had already started to pull weeds in the yard by hand. I have never liked to pull weeds, especially by hand. In that moment, I remembered how many times Suzanne used to plead and negotiate with me to do any kind of yard work when we owned property together previously.

Taxing Memories

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Primary photo by Carli Jeen on Unsplash Since becoming an independent consultant in 2012, my least-favourite task – that of preparing my income and expenses for my tax return – has been consistent. For some reason, I fail to compile my expenses and invoices on a monthly basis, despite my diary having a “reminder”. Presumably something more exciting is […]

Nothing and Everything to Say

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As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I […]

The Lone Parent…

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On Tuesday, April 7, 2020, I woke up at 3:49 AM to my phone vibrating. It was a call from my middle daughter, Laura. It was every parent’s nightmare. As I answered, awakened from a deep sleep I had only fallen into three hours earlier (because as I came to bed I discovered a roof leak coming through the ceiling right outside my master bedroom), I could hear crying. It was my oldest daughter, Rachel, crying.

Hard-Won Resilience

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One of my professional colleagues confessed, a few weeks ago, that “It feels awful to say this, but my, isn’t the Coronavirus beautiful?” I admit I did a double take. She added, “Not what the Coronavirus is causing, engendering, but the virus itself. The images we get of it are just beautiful. Stunning”. Yes – […]

Force Feeding

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I am unsure how to sustain myself on self love alone.  I grew used to regular servings of Mike’s love; and, now, I am adapting to a strange sustenance that never seems to fill me the way his love once did.  No matter how much love I feed to myself, I am never fully satisfied.  I am not content on a diet of self love.  The love I have for myself is hearty and solid, but it does not appeal to me like Mike’s love.  His love was pure and my version of self love feels manufactured.  At best I am force feeding love to myself.  It feels awkward and lacklustre; and it is nowhere near as good as the love I shared with Mike, but it’s what I’ve got.  It is a start.

Please Pass the Salt

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When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?” I said. “I’ll eat anything else.” “You’ll eat what’s put in front of you.” said my Dad. He […]