In French, rather than saying “I miss you” they say, “tu me manques” which means, “you are missing from me”.
This phrase accurately describes what I feel. Mike is missing from me. My latest fear is that there is no end to the soul crushing “missingness” that curses through me. I am over three years into this mess that is widowhood; and there does not seem to be any adequate way to quell the sense of longing that his death has brought to my psyche.
I am not simply physically missing Mike. No, my loss goes beyond my physical attachment to him. My Soul yearns for him. Mike and I have a Soul connection and the depth and breadth of my grief is compounded by this.
There is no way to soothe my Soul when it cries out for you.
It is not possible to pacify my desire to be in your presence.
After all this time, I know this awful condition is something I have to life with for the rest of my life – in at least some capacity. I half-heartedly accept my plight; but, I continually wonder if there is something, anything, that might partially satisfy the longing for Mike that lives in my Soul.
Over the years, I have considered that there may be nothing that can make my grief more livable than it already is. And, I’d be lying if I told you this possibility didn’t scare me. I am legitimately very scared. I don’t want to permanently live with the awful hollowness that exists in me, but there is the possibility that I might have to. I do not want to come to terms with the sense of deep emptiness that occupies my psyche, but I might have to. *Sigh.
I want to push back against it. I want to whole heartedly reject the emptiness. I want to fight the void that exists in me. I want to rage against the sadness in my Soul. But, even with all the feistiness I can muster, I am afraid the emptiness is somehow permanent. I am afraid that the hollowness will always exist in me somewhere. *Sigh.
I know that my grief is part of the fabric of my life; but I do not want it to be the whole tapestry.
Fortunately, I think I have some choice in this mess that is grief. So, despite my fears, I choose to fight through the “missingness” in my Soul. I do not allow myself to surrender to it. In a very real sense, I am fighting for my life. And, I have been engaged in this intense standoff for over three long years. Grief forced me to engage when I was far from battle ready. In the early months, I was completely disorientated; and somehow I still found the grit necessary to construct a mutiny against my own grief.
I have been leaning into my grief for a long, long time. I have been fighting the good fight for far too long. I have grown weary; but can’t take a knee and rest just yet. In spite of my exhaustion, I need to continue rebuilding my life. I know that I will not be cut any slack because I am fatigued from grief. Life demands that I keep striving forward. Grief demands that I keep leaning into it. So, this is what I will do.
Moving forward, I will try to take things day by day; and, all the while, I will acknowledge that Mike is missing from me. Him missing from me just plain sucks; but, there is nothing that can change his absence. I can not spend my life wishing things were different. So, I will do what I can.
I will trust that when my Soul cries out for him that he somehow “hears” me. I will believe that he is “with” me in whatever way he can be now. I know that Mike no longer exists in physical form. And, obviously, I am keenly aware that he is no longer a man; but I believe that the essence of him is still drawn to me. His physical form has left me, but surely his Soul remembers me. I hope he has the ability to know me by Heart. I have not forgotten him in his absence and I hope he still remembers me too.
Mike can no longer hold me in his arms, but his Spirit can surely brush the hair from my eyes. I’d like to think he gently cups my face in his invisible hands as he continues to love me. For all the ways Mike is missing from me, I believe that he is still present – somehow. He has to be “here”. I know that he’d never leave me. He told me this…
Mike loved me fiercely and this will never change – even when he is missing from me.
Tu me manques,