Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, you know the work that the Soaring Spirits Team pours out for months, weeks, days, minutes and seconds to get things organized. With this being the first ever pop-up camp, I watched in awe as novel situations presented themselves and the team effortlessly navigated the new waters. I wasn’t sure what to expect myself. I gave myself permission to be fully present and feel however I wanted minute by minute.

I jumped in to help with registration and camper check-in. I was nervous but than realized the gift I had been given. I was the person to welcome these other widows into a space we all desperately needed. Some greeted me with smiles while others could barely speak their name without starting to show signs of deep grief. I had the honor to greet them exactly as they were and hold them in their sadness. With the initial emotional release, space was made within them and I watched sadness give birth to a sign of relief and joy. I was the one greeting and comforting them on the outside but on the inside they were helping me acknowledge that my own feelings were mirrored in their tears and that my deepest fear of being alone was being replaced with beautiful community.

Campers were of all ages, types and at different places along their widowed journey. Those seasoned widows providing a look at a hopeful future. Those new to their journey (as little as 2 weeks before) arrived reminding all of us about our starts and the strength it took to take those first steps along our new normal. Everywhere I looked I saw inspiration, hope and felt deep gratitude.

The opening remarks from Soaring Spirits creator Michelle, was a call to community and an assurance that this space was safe for all. Talented interior designer Nate Berkus was the keynote speaker who, in a fantastic interview style, spoke openly about his widowed experience. For those of you who have been following this blog, you know that my partner Clayton was an interior designer. The book Tin was reading during his illness was written by Nate. Flipping through the book, Clayton had dog-eared the page where Nate describes the moments before losing Fernando. It was like Clayton knew the storm of emotional tragedy I would be caught up in and showed me someone else I could relate and look to for inspiration. I brought the book with me just in case I had an opportunity for Nate to sign it and it was taken to the Green Room. Part of me felt so nervous not having it in my hands but I new in order to continue to heal, I needed to trust. Seems a little funny now but in the moment I felt like I was letting go of a big part of who Clayton was and fearing it would be gone forever. That’s the part of widowhood where I’m realizing holding on to material possessions don’t validate that Tin existed. Book or no book, Clayton is in my memories and heart. There was a sense of relief to give that trust. After Nate’s talk, I had the honor of meeting him, sharing a little about my journey and sharing a deep moment of understanding that I never thought I would have from the man I saw on the book cover. I feel like I have gained a new friend who has written a beautiful message to Tin and I. How does one verbalize gratitude for that level of gifted connection?

The rest of the day I found myself surrounded by stories about loss, dedication and love. I heard my own story in the words of others and I felt like pieces of me I had lost were returning. From stories of other caregivers, LGBTQ individuals that felt discrimination on their journey to a group of 5 guys named Bryan (Brian) the magic connection moments were everywhere I turned. Being widowed is sometimes a haunting gift. We have a greater knowledge of our superpower – LOVE…

I cannot express enough that everyone should make the time and space to attend a Camp Widow event. I also cannot express the immense gratitude I have for all of Soaring Spirits and for all of you. We are each other’s wings…