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Gravely Grateful

Posted on: March 14, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

“I wished he was dead!” she said.

“I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction.

The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how it had almost tore the family apart. They were raw, open, honest with their struggles and their road to where they were today. Up until her declaration, I found such deep beauty in the commitment they had toward their relationship.

I had to go. I had to get out. I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t hold in the ball of hurt, sadness, pain and anguish rising in my throat. I was gagging on my grief. Why did she have to say that wish?

I found a stairwell and just sat. There was nowhere to hide and I didn’t care. The entire room had heard me share my story about losing Tin and what the loss of your person causes us. Often I’ll manage my grief in private but I was done guarding everyone else against the involuntary insult of my visible emotions. Yes there is sometimes guilt in openly grieving. I don’t like upsetting people so if they see me upset I actually feel worse. It’s a tough balance some days but not today.

I let the emotions come and walked through my feelings. My eyes burned, my hands felt cold and my heart ached. Standing in the middle of the fire, there I met Anger. He has been fairly silent about our loss. I knew he would come. I didn’t know when or where but I prepared myself. Instead of embracing his arrival, I stopped and asked him a question.

“Hello Anger. We haven’t spoken much and I know that’s not ok. You’ve been through a lot. Tell me, my friend, what caused you to wake?”

“She didn’t think about your loss. She should have remembered you. She doesn’t understand that death is a dangerous wish. She doesn’t understand the hurt she is causing!”

“Anger.” I said. “She didn’t mean it. She is sharing her struggles to try and help everyone out and her truth is her story. Her intent is good. You’re not mad at her. You are mad that you lost Clayton and that is ok but don’t be angry with her. She is just sharing the emotions from her trials and that does not negate yours.”

“But why does she get to wish him dead and get to keep her person? Why does she get to say those things and take for granted the gift she holds?”

We both felt a change in pressure and took a unified sigh. I felt Anger’s fire weaken, smolder and begin to smoke.

“Because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be gravely grateful. Anger, she can only sympathize with us and I don’t think we ever want to wish for someone to experience widowed empathy right?”

“No. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

It was hard to see him now. The smoke had filled the space between us. His voice had weakened. His shape changed as Anger took a seat on the floor of my mind. The calming brought a cool breeze that took the smoke with it and there, where Anger had stood, sat Sadness. I walked over to him. I looked into his deep blue eyes and just held him…

 

 

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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