I miss him all the time, but right now with all the uncertainty in the world I feel even more alone because of his absence.  The truth is, Mike would have loved being quarantined with me.  And, I would have liked it too.  Like always, we would have made the best of it together…  

The other day, as I wandered aimlessly through the grocery store, I wished Mike was there with me.  He’d have made me laugh.  He’d even have made shopping during the Coronavirus “fun” because he’d be saying all sorts of goofy things to me as we walked through the dishevelled aisles.

I “heard” Mike as I walked through the store alone.  I felt his words in my mind.  I know how it would be if he was alive and we made that trip to the store together.  He would have happily loaded up two carts with all sorts of crap we didn’t need.  And, Mike would have excitedly talked to me the whole time we shopped.  He would have said things like “we better buy this 24 pack of Gatorade honey because I’m going to have you held up in our bedroom for the next two weeks”.  Then, he’d just smile when I started to laugh.  He follow by saying, “You’d be surprised.  You might be dehydrated when I’m done quarantining you Stace.”   He would have said this and all sorts of other goofy things to me while we strolled through the store.

I can see this imaginary scene play out in my mind.  It feels very real.  I know I would have laughed the whole time while we shopped, even though we were shopping because of a pandemic.  Despite the uncertainty, Mike would have made me feel safe and almost carefree.  I have lost this sense of security since he died.

In every aisle he’d have said something crazy and uncouth.  He always made me laugh and the COVID-19 would not have changed his natural optimism.  Mike would have made me feel steady and safe instead of being scared.  He would have made me believe everything would be fine.  He would not have wanted me to worry so he would have distracted me from the seriousness of everything.

I can “hear” him say, “everything will be fine Honey.  Just think, we get to spend all this time together.”  Then, he would have smiled his trademark grin and all would have felt right in my world.  Like always, he would make me feel safe.

This whole pandemic thing made me realize that going forward, I will face every crisis – world and otherwise – alone.  I do almost all things alone now.   I know I can do it, but I’d rather Mike was here.  I am weary of doing everything without him.  I am tired of living my life without a life partner.  This is not at all how I imagined my life.  In my head, I am supposed to be a newlywed; but I’m not.  Mike and I had the rest of our lives in front of us.  Until we didn’t.

*Sigh, again.

 

I woke up to the sound of music playing.  The night before, I had fallen asleep with my playlist on shuffle.  Of course the song I woke up to was “Unchained Melody”.  This is our song.  It always comes on when I need to know Mike is around.  I lay quietly in my bed listening to the lyrics of our familiar song and all the time I was wishing Mike could be undead.  Without thinking, I whispered into the dark, “where are you Mike?”  And, then the next song started playing.  The song is called, “Maybe I should stay here”.

Is the song title significant?   Is Mike trying to tell me he’s here?  Well, I can’t see him.  And, I don’t feel him often anymore either, so I just don’t effing know.  I don’t know where he is so I asked him.  And, well Mike is dead so he didn’t answer me back.

I hope the song means he’s still around me.  But, even if he is around me, it’s not the same.  It’s just not enough.  I can not see him.  From what I can tell, I woke up in my room alone.  I looked beside me in my bed and he was not there.  Mike is gone. He does not exist in this world.  Mike is not here to face the Coronavirus with me or anything else.  He is gone from my life and I have a profound sense of yearning for his presence.  And, the current events in our world make me miss him a little more these days.  It is what it is.  

~Staci