On New Year’s Eve everyone is looking forward. But, for those of us who have lost our beloved, we want to back up. It is a hard spot to be in. We know that we must move forward with the rest of the world, yet our hearts are in the past. This is my third NYE without Mike and it has been the gentlelest so far. I miss him to the depths of…
memories
Stranger in the Room
I’ve made it through our anniversary, his birthday, Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving and now Christmas. Each one felt empty in ways I couldn’t explain. You truly don’t realize how much a person is part of you until that part is suddenly gone. I made a point for me to be back home with my family for Christmas. My career has made me miss…
50 Shades of Vague
So it’s three days after Christmas, I’ve had a terrible virus/cold for almost 12 days now, Im coughing up a lung, and my headache is just irritating and monotanous enough to keep me the appropriate amount of moody, while still somehow managing not to bite off the head of the nearest human. Seven years post-loss, and Im not even sure how I feel…
One Box
It has been 7 and a half years since my beautiful husband Don Shepherd’s sudden death. About 18 months ago, I found new and wonderful and beautiful love. Somewhere in the first few months of the relationship with my new love, the topic of “Don’s things” came up. I think I was the one who brought it up. We were in my bedroom talking, or kissing,…
Building My Wings
It seems I made it to adulthood with a rather enormous stack of self limiting beliefs to shuffle through. For a lot of years, I wasn’t even aware of it. I was so used to these beliefs that, in my mind, they were just truths. I always had all my ducks in a nice, neat row… and they were all well-fed and had an ample security system around them at…
A Haunting Hallmark Holiday
Tis’ the season for all the things that remind us of what we have and what we have lost. This year, for me, there has been more loss and it’s much harder to shake that feeling as those around me put up lights, throw holiday parties and decorate. I can’t put up a Christmas tree. I can’t decorate. I wrapped one present and I just can’t. So…
My Crooked Christmas Tree
Last weekend I went with David to pick out a Christmas tree for my house. It’s something I’ve been doing since living where I live – first with Mike, then with family and now this year with David. There is a Christmas tree farm 5 minutes down the rode from me and I love the tradition and having a fresh tree. We walked around the Christmas tree…
Back to the Future
It’s been four years. Four times, the earth has orbited the sun in full since Megan’s death. That seems like an eternity, and yet at times, it also feels like it was yesterday. It’s still “fresh”, yet also “routine”. If I could have foretold the future, four-and-a-half years ago, a few days before she died, it wouldn’t have…
The Grocery Store
This week I felt like writing about how the arrival of the holidays has already been extremely difficult for me. These are the first holidays without Clayton. Those Facebook “memories” that pop up in my news feed are like a sharp knife from a friend. Nothing is safe from the reminders. I don’t know if I can even decorate this year but…
New York State of Mind
“I don’t have any reason, dont wanna waste more time Im in a New York state of mind…….” Ah yes, Billy Joel had it right with that song. Its been about 17 months since I left NYC, my second home, to move back to my home state of Massachusetts, finish my book, and see what comes next. I didnt expect to find love here in smalltown Mass, and…
Dreams of Other Worlds
I had dreams of him this past week. It’s the first time in a lot of years I’ve dreamt of him two nights in a row. It was both beautiful and sad. The dreams were good… they were happy. I got to see his smile again, that beautiful smile that warmed my heart. For a moment, I got to remember the feeling that his smile gave me. It’s been so long,…
Will I Ever Stop Asking …
Will I Ever Stop Asking Where would we be, had you not died? Will I ever stop wondering what would have happened in our life together if you were still here? Will I ever be at peace with the idea that my life is filled with questions that do not have answers? Will I ever feel okay with the knowing that large pieces of…