Widow's Voice

Stranger in the Room

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I’ve made it through our anniversary, his birthday, Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving and now Christmas. Each one felt empty in ways I couldn’t explain. You truly don’t realize how much a person is part of you until that part is suddenly gone. I made a point for me to be back home with my family for Christmas. My career has made me miss many holidays with family but I couldn’t miss this one. I’d feel too lonely, or so I thought…

Don’t get me wrong, my trip home was wonderful!

 

They threw me a belated surprise birthday party. I was so excited to see so many people I care about and I caught myself reaching back to grab Tin’s hand in excitement and he wasn’t there. I started to cry and played it off as happy tears but that empty air left me gasping….

 

A fun brunch to celebrate a successful business my sister and I joined this year. We all talked about how much we love the products and how we just want everyone to be involved to feel like we do but in the moment I didn’t want anyone to feel the way I did. Everyone was joking how their person was involved or not involved and there were plenty of jokes but I didn’t have any…

 

Christmas Eve full of food Tin would have loved. Tin loved being with my family because it is a large, loud and loving band of Bostonians. The attention was on the kids and the surprise visit by Santa (my Uncle dressed up every year). It was a comfortable reminder of my childhood but than he asked those young kids “What would you like for Christmas?” and I felt sick. There’s no magic red bag big enough and no team of reindeer strong enough to get Tin back under my tree Santa…

 

Christmas Day and I got to see my nephews wake up (one snuck down the stairs early lol) and open their presents from Santa. The full stockings were placed by the chimney with care. So were the half eaten cookies and carrots I created the night before. The other side of the family took the day. Kids running around, new toys everywhere, more good food than one ever needs, families, parents, couples and than just me…

 

In rooms full of friends and family, I was a stranger in a familiar crowd. My next three big firsts are a bit different: New Years with no plans, Valentine’s with no one and the first anniversary of Tin’s passing. Crowd or no crowd, I’m now the familiar stranger in the room…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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