Supporting Chuck as he died. The hardest, most impossible, most unbearable thing I’ve ever done. It was my job, as it was for all of us who walked with our loved one as they lay dying, to make it as easy as possible for Chuck. Or at least, that’s how I saw it. Out of […]
Widowed Emotions
Life, After
Images from internet searches for Netflix’s “After Life” Sometime after Mike died – perhaps a matter of months – Megan came to me and said, “Muuuuum – my Netflix account isn’t working”. It’s possible that I said, “What’s Netflix?”, but I don’t think I was living under a rock to quite that degree. But I […]
The Rebranding of a Life…
Life is for the living.
Mike had his life.
And, now I need to focus on mine.
Only he died in 2016.
It would be a tragedy if I buried myself too.
Do You Know or Do You Believe?
We fall into our patterns and the longer we are in them the tighter they stick. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Peppered into our day are all sorts of habits. It’s the repetition that provides us comfort. We say good night and close our eyes until the next day when the sun returns. The […]
Spinning Through Memory~
Twirling down a long hallway, Softly lit with shimmering lanterns. Spinning from side to side, one door here, Another, there. Fingers gliding gracefully, and with longing Over memories and emotions. The past rising up, bowing its’ head in homage, Flower blossoms of the past carpeting wide planked floors… Sprinkling colors over me…garden spectrums of days […]
Empty Space
There is a giant void that lives in my chest. This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs. It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me. For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow. And, really, so does my life.
I am tired of being sad.
I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.
I am not sure which is worse.
Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey. I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it. I just don’t feel joy anymore. Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting. I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy. I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.
Grief’s Rewinding
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]
Exhaling
The reason I chose to write about breathing, and specifically exhaling, is because it is something that we (humans) can take complete control of using our conscious mind. But, we also never have to think about breathing because our unconscious mind manages to keep us doing it whether we notice or not.
Ausgespielt~
I just found the word you see in the title, as I searched for words to describe why I ought not be writing a blog this week. It’s German, and means done for. Done in. Over it. Spent. Overwhelmed. Wiped out. Fatigued. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Okay…I added those last words myself. Also, I ought not […]
Open Arms
For me, my “grief work” is not so much about escaping grief (I know that is not possible); but, rather, it is about intentionally striving to reenter life. I am a Lover of Life. Each week I write to you, I am not writing about grief per sae. Nope. I am writing to you about LIFE. As a writer, I am encouraging you to live your best life. And, sure I know that it is easier said than done, but for me it is not optional because the alternative is far too bleak.
For three years, I steeped myself in my own grief. I became one with my grief; and, now, with nearly four years practice as Mike’s widow, I do not carry my grief in my arms anymore. My grief does not completely over take me any longer. My grief is still there, but it is not visible now. And, I assure you that this is big progress. I worked hard to get to this place.
Living in an Asteroid Field
I have so much fear of becoming widowed again. Some days, that fear is louder than others… like anticipating my own personal asteroid out there that is going to crash into me on some unknown date in the future, creating a private apocalypse all over again.
Beautiful Failures
A part of being widowed is that you are forced to remember all of the relationships that didn’t work out. That sting when your first crush doesn’t like you back. That feeling life is over forever when the big high school sweetheart breakup happens. College brought a whole new world. I was getting more and […]