Im very achey. All of my body aches. It feels heavy. It could be the weight of coming up on 9 years without Don Shepherd next month, or it could be the weight of life, or the fact that my normal swim routine has been taken away from me for over 2 months now due to the pandemic. I dont know. But Im achey.
Im exhausted. It could be because I dont sleep well lately, its hot inside our apartment, I cant get comfortable because I have trauma issues surrounding sleep, and every little noise makes me jump, especially when Im trying to get into a relaxed state. It could be because sleeping with my partner in our new apartment is often challenging, because Im not the only one with sleep issues, so our issues affect each other. I dont know. But Im exhausted.
My skin is dry and itchy and has little red marks on my arms. For months, after Don died, I had red marks and hives on my arms, and I went to the doctor and he said “anything stressful going on in your life right now?” “Yeah, my husband dropped dead for no reason.” “That’ll do it.” Maybe I have “stress hives” again. Ive been putting moisturizer on daily, but my skin still feels dry and itchy at times, and Im definitely stressed .I dont know. But Im itchy and uncomfortable in my own skin lately.
My allergies are worse than ever lately. Probably because my allergy office has been closed other than for emergencies, so I havent been getting my bi-weekly shot that keeps everything at bay. Its also spring, and the air feels like its overflowing with pollen. My car is covered in it. The allergy office reopens June 1st , but I dont know if getting my shot is worth risking exposing myself to the public, and to people who maybe arent taking this virus as seriously as I am. I dont know.
I have very real reason to believe that I COULD have been exposed to covid-19. Someone in my family was in the same room for hours with 2 people that have recently tested posititve. My family member got tested and now we are waiting on the results. If they have it, I most likely have it too, because I am around this person off and on quite often. Its the stress of not knowing that is messing with me. Wondering if all of the above things I mentioned are because I have this, or if they are just normal life things, all piling up like dominoes because every one of them cycles into affecting the other, and it just goes around like a circle. We are waiting, waiting, waiting, and Im trying not to go into panic mode about all the “what ifs” regarding possible positive diagnosis.
Im trying here. But Im scared.
At the end of the day, Im just really scared.