I have done a lot of work on myself over the last two years since Suzanne died. This morning, I had a revelation.
My attention has still been scattered. The revelation came when listening to a podcast about brain science. It dawned on me that I must apply my attention to what has become most important to me. This means placing it on activities and relationships that serve me—and not just what I “think” I need to place my attention and focus on.
It was completely unexpected. My first road trip since the pandemic began. I wasn’t towing my pink trailer, but I did add a bunch of decals to my pink car, deciding that my car needs to represent my Odyssey of Love just as much as my trailer does, covered as it is with the hundreds […]
It is nearly four years since Mike died and yes I still cry, but now my recovery time is quick. The turn around between tears and living can be compared to the space between breaths. It is almost indistinguishable. The time between my tears falling and my life interrupting is fleeting at best. Tears fall and I don’t miss a beat anymore. I guess you could say that I have become very proficient at living with the grief.
My life, like every widowed person’s life, is a delicate balance between soul crushing missing and a both feeble and fierce attempt at living as normal of a life as possible. There, hidden among my regular routine life, is an ache that runs so deep inside me that if feels like it is not even separate from me.
My grief is part of who I am. And, really, my grief is not grief at all. It is love.
My tears are not necessarily tears of sadness, more accurately, they are love tears.
I clean. I clean the dishes. I clean the laundry. I clean the house – Well sort of. I’ll admit I clean what’s apparent, the obvious and easily seen. Since Clayton passed away, I’ve been busy with a full time job, a side business and just figuring out life. They say that grief triggers hit […]
In the last two years, I have made some seriously life altering choices. Originally, I was going to call this post “Bad Decisions”… But “Accepting Choices” actually seems more appropriate.
I’m leaving tomorrow for my first road trip in over a year. Since settling into AZ to make a documentary about my Odyssey of Love a year ago, in fact. I only decided to do this a few days ago, but I was immediately excited, just contemplating being back out on the road. This adventure […]
I can feel change… I am on the cusp of a beautiful new life. After fumbling along the dim and rutted path of grief, I have finally come to a clearing. I have found my way out of the dark and I am standing on the edge of a peaceful place. A place that will lead me back to the light. I have a hunch that I am headed towards a wonderful life. A life I have desperately wanted to recreate since he died. I can actually feel a full and authentic life waiting for me just around the corner. It is calling out to me. I have been directionless for so long, but somehow I now know the way out. I will find my way out by instinct. I will follow my heart. I will travel by feel.
I feel like I am heading toward the homestretch. I have used up nearly all my reserve energy fighting my way back to life; and, now, I am on a type of natural high. And, I am going to make a break for it. I imagine myself sprinting toward the new life I sense waiting for me. I am madly running toward my new life. I am bolting towards the unknown like my life depends on it. And, in a very real way it does.
More and more we are seeing focus on self-growth, motivation, manifestation and talk of mindset. I get the premise and I try to practice the mentality. Yes it can change your day around if you focus on the positive but there are limits. I have to share this topic with you all so you understand […]
Should I force myself to the gym again today? Yes, it’s good for releasing energy. Also, in theory, I’ll eventually get in shape. But then I think maybe I should keep this weight on in case our food supply chain is disrupted and food is harder to come by. On the other hand, with the […]
Life after the death of the person you love is weird. It is confusing. Mind numbing. Empty. Lacklustre. And, a bunch of other feelings and things. I’m sitting in my car typing this. I’m parked in the culdesac across from what used to be Mike’s house. Our house. The place where our little love story […]
Today, I find myself in Texas near Houston. A speaking engagement planned almost a year ago. It has been a long time since I have been able to travel, speak and feel the energy in a room of people. This new world we live in can be suffocating especially for a widowed man who sometimes […]
Over the last two years, I have found that on numerous occasions, I have “bitten off a lot more than I can chew.” It has been extremely difficult to chew on some of the things I have chosen to do—mostly to distract myself from my grief—which makes it even harder to swallow. No more. Things are starting to give, and I have started to learn the power of saying “no” to things (especially those that are distracting me from my grief and my feelings)… Unfortunately, I’m still a novice.
