Widow's Voice

Widowed Emotions

Empty Space

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There is a giant void that lives in my chest.  This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs.  It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me.  For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow.  And, really, so does my life.

I am tired of being sad. 

I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.

I am not sure which is worse.

Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey.  I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it.  I just don’t feel joy anymore.  Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting.  I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy.  I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.

Grief’s Rewinding

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It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]

Exhaling

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The reason I chose to write about breathing, and specifically exhaling, is because it is something that we (humans) can take complete control of using our conscious mind. But, we also never have to think about breathing because our unconscious mind manages to keep us doing it whether we notice or not.

Ausgespielt~

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I just found the word you see in the title, as I searched for words to describe why I ought not be writing a blog this week. It’s German, and means done for. Done in. Over it. Spent. Overwhelmed. Wiped out. Fatigued. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Okay…I added those last words myself. Also, I ought not […]

Open Arms

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For me, my “grief work” is not so much about escaping grief (I know that is not possible); but, rather, it is about intentionally striving to reenter life.  I am a Lover of Life.  Each week I write to you, I am not writing about grief per sae.  Nope. I am writing to you about LIFE.  As a writer, I am encouraging you to live your best life.  And, sure I know that it is easier said than done, but for me it is not optional because the alternative is far too bleak.

For three years, I steeped myself in my own grief.  I became one with my grief; and, now, with nearly four years practice as Mike’s widow, I do not carry my grief in my arms anymore.  My grief does not completely over take me any longer.  My grief is still there, but it is not visible now.  And, I assure you that this is big progress. I worked hard to get to this place. 

Our Third Wedding Anniversary…

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When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really.  Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void.  Where there should be happy memories of “the best day ever”, there is nothing.  I have nothing to recall because our Wedding day never came to be.  So, I just sit with the nothingness that it is. The nothingness of our special day quietly blends into the nothingness that Mike has become. It is sad.  Beyond sad really.  It is tragic and it hurts. But, I will be “okay”.  I have lived through this Anniversary date twice before.

A Grief of my Own

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I think, at best, I will rebuilt a remarkable life; but while I live this beautiful new life, I know that a part of me will always be searching for the woman I used to be.  I am on the look out for the woman who was filled with excitement about the future she was going to spend with Mike.  I miss this person I once was. I miss her so very much.  Lately, my grief has evolved into a grief of my own.  Now, I spend a great deal of time mourning the woman I used to be; and, concurrently, I mourn for the woman I could have been if he did not die so unexpectedly.