Widow's Voice

Ausgespielt~

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I just found the word you see in the title, as I searched for words to describe why I ought not be writing a blog this week.

It’s German, and means done for. Done in. Over it. Spent. Overwhelmed. Wiped out. Fatigued. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

Okay…I added those last words myself.

Also, I ought not write a blog this week because I’m currently feeling so done and over the world that I fear I only have darkness to offer, and I don’t want to scare folks away. But I’ve always believed in writing honestly about everything good or bad, so here you go.

In conversations with people around the country, family and friends both, most, if not all of them, are struggling in one way or another with the isolation/anxiety/concern/despair stemming from covid and just as much from the civil unrest that is so pervasive.

We speak about giving grace to ourselves and to others, and how all these emotions are normal responses to the ongoing crisis that is our country. It used to be that I’d have something to offer them in the way of even some small tool that I could pull from my coping toolbox.

Mostly now I just tell them I love them and have whatever day you’re going to have and may the force be with you.

I don’t have much more to offer, either them or myself.

The uncle of a dear friend of mine died a few days ago, just a month after his wife died.

They weren’t necessarily elderly, unless mid 70’s is considered elderly.

She didn’t specify that he died of a broken heart but he’d been in good health so I figure that played into it.

My only response to that is pure envy.

I’d like to say that I’m handling this covid/life bullshit in a totally zenned out manner.

It is, after all, no worse than the months and years after Chuck’s  death. No worse than what most of us have experienced, right?

Really, though, it’s Chuck’s death multiplied and squared and cubed.

I envy my friend’s uncle who died so shortly following his wife’s death.

I really do.

Which is not to say that I have a death wish.

I’m just fucking tired of it all.

I love people.

I really do.

I also have no tolerance or patience for them in the last year, as our country implodes from within.

I need to tuck myself away somewhere, as a hermit, so that my rotten outlook on life doesn’t affect others.

It’s the right thing to do, I suspect.

I just don’t care for the world anymore. I’m done.

Ich gebe keinen Fick mehr~

 

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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