Lately, I feel completely underwhelmed by my life.  There are many reasons this might be the case, but really the reasons don’t really matter.  What matters is that I feel unhappy.  I have felt restless and discontent for nearly four years now and the fatigue of living this way is noted.

There is a giant void that lives in my chest.  This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs.  It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me.  For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow.  And, really, so does my life.

 

I am tired of being sad. 

I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.

I am not sure which is worse.

 

Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey.  I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it.  I just don’t feel joy anymore.  Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting.  I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy.  I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.  Somehow, I think that I will, but I have no idea why I’d suggest this because nothing so far points to this being true or accurate.  I guess it is just a hunch I have…

In truth, my grief isn’t even really about Mike these days, it is bigger than him.  My sadness is born from losing him to death; but, recently, I am sad for myself and my children.  They have a Mom who is not happy and this isn’t good for them, or for me.  As another summer draws to an end, I am left mourning the life I should be living.  A life that I seem incapable of.

 

I ask myself over and over again:

What do I do?

What can I do?

What do I need to do?

Now what?

 

I have asked myself these questions over and over again for almost four years and I still don’t know the answers.  I guess I just keep trying.  Something has to fall into place eventually doesn’t it?  Until then, I will fight with everything I’ve got to build more momentum.  I will keep trying to rebuild my life until moments of joy and happiness become predominant again.  I have no other choice.  The alternative is bleak.  I do not want to live a mediocre life.  At this point, I’m done with being withdrawn from my own life.  Somehow, I’m taking my life back if it kills me.  I will fight tooth and nail to recreate a beautiful life because my life actually depends on it.

From the empty space within me a new life will be birthed.  And, like all births, my rebirth will be painful, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

 

~Staci