Widow's Voice

Simple Division~

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If I divide the days you’ve been gone

2661

by the months

87

By the years

7 years

by the weeks

380

by the minutes

3883

by the miles I’ve driven

165,000

by the number of states I’ve taken PinkMagic on my Odyssey of Love

35

And the nights my hand has reached out to feel you next to me

Meeting only space and emptiness.

Endless.

Divided by the steps of my wandering feet and aching heart

as I ponder this life without you…

Incalculable

Multiplied by thousands of hugs given and received

Life saving

Adding in the massive amount of Love so strongly represented in the names covering my rig…

It doesn’t add up in the same way that was the sum of my existence with Chuck, of course.

Nothing ever will.

But it does add up, somehow, equaling out to be just enough

and that matters.

It has to matter, right?

Because widowed math is fucked up math because so much has been taken away from us.

Subtracted

Divided

Leaving us in negative zero

At a time when we feel depleted, subtracted, divided…

In that moment of impact where our world blows apart into nothingness that is only measurable in atoms and dust,

It is up to us to begin adding and multiplying

through remembering and holding memories that both hurt and help,

Which is when we learn about duality, which might possibly have something to do with squared roots and cubes.

Ultimately, maybe we end up throwing algebra and trigonometry and geometry into the equation of widowhood because simple equations don’t make the grade…so to speak.

No longer simple adding, subtracting, multiplication and division.

Perhaps this is when we look to the Universe for clarification,

Staring into the vastness of stars and moon and galaxies to help comprehend what no longer makes sense.

Maybe we find the answers we seek in the depth and breadth of that darkness

That shines and sparkles above us.

Or maybe we find no answers at all

While finding solace simply in the nothingness of the skies that have no end and no beginning

As we begin to realize that we are part of the magical dust that seems so far away

Yet so close.

We are there with them.

And they are here with us.

In the end

Maybe numbers don’t count

Except for the meaning we ourselves give them.

The sum result, however we calculate our numbers and count them for the sum of our grief,

Is really the infinity number that is…

Love for all Time

In the Universe we lived in as the sum total of

Two~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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