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A Better Busy Bryan

Posted on: June 13, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Just after Clayton passed, I was forced to get a second job. I started up an online business which allowed me to work from anywhere. I wasn’t locked into a schedule, at a location with someone else’s requirements. I worked extremely hard to quickly get to a point I felt financially safe again. I hit that mark and continued to maintain that level of busy.

I realized that I had needed to be always “on” not to maintain the business but because slowing down and sitting in quiet would bring huge waves of paralyzing grief. I distinctly remember that when I hit my first real goal I told myself I could completely take a day off with my phone on silent. I slept in, got up, made coffee, sat down with my dog and the intensity of pure silence in just sitting caused me to lose my breath weeping. I had been so busy that I hadn’t processed much of my grief from losing Clayton and my dad. It was overwhelming, painful and dark. That place held very scary fears and I refused to let myself sit in silence so I went back to “Busy Bryan”. I wasn’t ready to sit comfortably in my new normal’s quiet so I avoided it.

Through the rest of year one and all of year 2, my time was filled to the top and overbooked. I had a full time job, my side business, 2 different blogs to write weekly, travel to speaking engagements, communities to help foster, the gym, my dog, social media and any other excuse I could find to be busy. Even during the worldwide quarantine, when everyone else is stuck at home, I had to work full time, more people came to my side business and I was on zoom calls for all sorts of groups and virtual events.

Now that life is getting back to it’s new pace (whatever that really is), my life is starting to slow down a bit more. I am starting to really pay attention to myself, my wellness and my quality of life. Yesterday I felt the heaviness of constantly moving. I received great news involving projects I was working on and I could take a huge breath. Without thinking, I just sat in that moment feeling positive, accomplished and I thanked Clayton for helping me achieve some monumental goals. It was quiet. It was relaxing. It was safe. I took the day off with little distraction. Somewhere along the way, something changed. The fears that flooded me 2 years ago were nowhere to be found. I felt at peace. I felt balanced.

Up until that moment, I kept reminding myself to stay busy to keep away the quiet. Without thinking, I gave myself the permission to sit in calm and found I had grown tremendously since that huge panic attack almost 2 years ago. I don’t really like to sit still but at least I know now that constantly being active is no longer a self-preservation mechanism. I’ve become a better busy Bryan…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Community, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses, Miscellaneous

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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