Widow's Voice

Widowed Emotions

My Partner is Widowed – so what does that mean for our relationship?

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Image by Sarah Treanor, fellow widbud, on www.streanor.com My name is Neil, aka “Medjool”. As of June 2019, I have been fortunate enough to have entered the life and heart of Emma, who keeps this blogsite. Emma lost her husband, Mike, almost 4 years ago. She lost their youngest daughter, Julia, to grief-related suicide, 21 […]

Why, God?

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I have been attending a weekly virtual community through my church for the past few months. This week I shared that I have been thinking a lot about spirituality and religion and how it is so intertwined with death. I am taking a class called Death, Dying, & Loss in my Ph.D. program, which has […]

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

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I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium just one last time. I didn’t know it was the list of lasts. I didn’t know […]

My Why, Why, Why~

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Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]

Some Softer Dates

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All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight and a visit to another country! What’s not to love? And all with the underlay of loss and […]

Hollow (third edition)

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Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside, the condition of my life looks good.   Aside from Mike’s death, my life may even be enviable to some; but things are not as they appear.  Like the aesthetically pleasing chocolate bunnies, I look to be well dressed and professionally presented; but, inside me there is something lacking.  Inside of me, the landscape of my Soul is barren – or at least it was for many years.  For a long time after he died I was hollow inside like the foil bunnies.  On the inside of me there was ‘nothing’.  Where there used to be unbridled joy there was emptiness.

The “Better Place”

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“It’s so hard to lose someone but remember he’s in a…” I’ve always struggled with religion. I was raised Irish Catholic and being gay was not accepted the way it is more openly today. I’m not sharing this to start a discussion on religious beliefs but to paint a picture of this aspect of my […]

Less is More

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My worldly possessions feel heavy.  They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in.  I don’t give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from me.  It is all meaningless to me.  What can it do for me?  What does it do for anyone really?

Moving forward, I do not want things.  What matters to me is the feel of things, not the actual things.  I want to live a full and joy filled life that draws inspiration from experiences – not stuff.  And, sure, it is true, I do like nice things; but material things do not fill my heart with happiness.  In fact, my worldly possessions feel weighty to me.  They feel like a burden to me.  In the near future, I hope to travel and I do not want to have to worry about storing my things while I am gone. To me, more is less.