I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. Two years last April I got […]
Widowed Emotions
Love Onscreen~
It’s habit with many in the widowed community to talk to their dead people. To write to them on the regular. I admire this. I really do. I’m envious, honestly. In these 7 years since Chuck’s death I haven’t been able to write to him, or talk to him. There’s just a block of some […]
Crumpling Face Like No Other
Images of Geraldine Chaplin taken from “The Crown” on Netflix I continue to watch “The Crown”, at the rate of one or two episodes a week. I started in January and perhaps I will have finished all four series by the end of April if curfews stay in place. Every so often after an episode […]
The Right Move…
…when I move, I will concentrate on raising up the new me. It is cool. It is not lost on me that the roles are reversed. This time, it is me, not my children, who will “grow up” and into myself in the new house. It is my turn to focus on my own identity and sense of well being. It is my time to become the person I am meant to be.
The darkness.
There are not many places where you can be open about the “dark” part of grief and widowhood. Not just that you miss the person or that you are lonely, but the trauma of it. The details of it. But, I think it is important that we talk about it, if only so that others […]
Grief Gifts
One month away from the third anniversary of Clayton’s passing and some moments it feels like it was just yesterday. Each year has had its challenges and this year I’ve lost our cat Stallone. I’ve written before that it’s the build up to certain dates that’s worse then the actual days themselves. Each season has […]
Where You Are~
In the sunsets, at the end of days…. I look for you. I don’t know if I feel you where I am or where I’m not. But I hope you are. There. Or there. I know you loved what I now see with only my eyes and perhaps, for that reason alone, if nothing else… […]
Daily Reflections on Love – part one
Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash I have a daily gratitude writing practice that started at the beginning of 2020. Megan had given me a gratitude diary for Christmas in which it was suggested you write five things that you had to look forward to that day, then one thing at the end of the […]
Eighty-sixed from Life
This time buying feels different. It feels like I am attempting to fix a wrongdoing.
The wrongdoing being Mike’s death… Moving is a big step in the direction of righting my alternate life. It is forward motion. It is acknowledgement of the permanence of his death. It is necessary and it is a good thing. This move is about me. It is my decision. My choice. My sale. My purchase. It is about my family and our future. And, I should be excited about it. And, I sort of am. I am just not altogether overjoyed. I am a bit blaise and this should not surprise me because I have been operating in apathy for 4.3 years now. The move just really brings into focus how deep this indifference is embedded in my psyche.
I Miss the Early Days
In a new episode of New Amsterdam, they briefly showed the characters (they all work in a hospital in New York) in the midst of COVID-19–the bruised faces, the tears, and the death. The episode begins in a “post-COVID” world, but they do not ignore the effects of it. One character is still on a […]
The Escape Room
Part of my widowed journey is getting the opportunity to get away from home. Staying in the apartment that Clayton and I both lived has its benefits and its challenges. He hung up the art and organized the furniture. Everything here holds whispers of his style and view of interior design. I’m coming up on […]
Deer Tick Manor
Shortly after returning home from my recent road trip, I went grocery shopping. While selecting a few Honey Crisp apples from a bin, I suddenly pictured Lee and me on a warm, fall day at the country orchard near our Indiana getaway where we enjoyed going to shop for seasonal fruits and vegetables. My […]